The ultimate win for Winston

The NZ Herald is asking me to pay $2.50 to know something I already know. That’s the weekly subscription fee they require for accessing their online “premium content”. It costs nothing to access ordinary stories, but there is precious few of those, and the interesting and well-written stories, often an oxymoron for the NZ Herald, are behind a paywall.

One of those stories has the enticing headline: “Inside the coalition: Who’s really running the country?” I don’t feel the headline needs the question mark. The answer is so obvious that it should be more a statement.

I will not pay $2.50 to be told Winston is running the country--by deceit, by demigoddery and by default. Our titular prime minister is missing in action for domestic issues. And the government she leads is floundering in an ocean of incredulous actions and inactions.

Almost all of their campaign pledges—the war on poverty, affordable housing, addressing mental health issues, capital gains tax, etc—are in tatters as are the targets to which they aspired.

The Prime Minister, who must shoulder ultimate responsibility, seems uninterested and indecisive on such issues. In fact, the only decisive action she has taken since she came into power was the banning of automatic weapons.
But taking one decisive action and quickly learning the art of looking doleful in the wake of a national tragedy does not a prime minister make.

So, where is she now? Striding the world stage addressing global issues, trying to constrain Facebook—good luck with that.

Meanwhile, we who look for leadership and vision on pressing domestic issues are left with a set of largely incompetent ministers who without a credible head are led by a somewhat disreputable tail--Winston Peters.

Few would doubt that this is Mr Peters’ swansong as a member of parliament. He has probably already been offered a major diplomatic post if this government keeps power. But this term may also be his most important while he builds the legacy he may be most remembered for—restraining an out of control, incompetent and ideologically dangerous government.
 Love or loath Winston Peters now,  ultimately we might all thank him for that.

Water water everywhere

In which I save the Council from an ill-conceived and premature ejaculation.

In the area in which I live we have had a prolonged period of dry weather. I wouldn’t call it a drought, I am not even sure I know the definition of drought, but for those of us who rely on rain to fill our tanks it was pretty dire.

However, today and for a couple of days last week we it rained. This weekend that rain is forecast to continue and may even, we are warned, be heavy to severe.

Cumulatively, the bouts of rain should be enough to replenish our tanks and obviate the need and expense of having them filled by a water contractor.

That is a relief because the local council warned in a media release this month that it would refuse water contractors access to the council’s water treatment plants if the dry conditions persisted.

Which begs the question: where were we who are not on town supply going to get our water if the council decided to impose that restriction?

We could of course buy bottled water for drinking purposes, but bathing and showering would be problematic and using it for washing would be expensive.

But, no matter—water has arrived, the problem is gone and the council (and we) won’t have to suffer from its ill-conceived and possibly premature ejaculation.

As for me, a glass-half-full kind of guy who always looks on the bright side of life, both my glass and my tank runneth over, as I knew would happen…the day I ordered a tanker-load delivered.

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Love is all around

Probably the only people truly to have misgivings about St Valentine’s Day were the seven members and associates of the North Side gang for whom St Valentine’s Day 1929 was their last day.

For the rest of us it comes and goes each year and it is over to each of us to decide whether or not we observe it. Usually, I don’t. 

If I were a romantic, I would explain that away by suggesting that, for me, romance is a daily infusion and I see no reason to confine it to a single day. More cynically I could state that I have plenty of other things on which to spend my time and money than an homage to a long-dead martyr who couldn’t get his act together.

Besides, I still have memories of a few years back trying to explain to my wife why I received three anonymous valentine’s cards, none of which came from her.

But if Valentine’s Day is your thing, don’t let me persuade you differently. I am at best ambivalent about it, but I can understand why others would take the opportunity to express their love. Al Capone certainly used the day to tell the North Side gang what he thought of them.

What is remarkable is how widespread Valentine’s Day is, even in non-Christian countries. Among them Japan, Iraq, Philippines and India. In that regard it could be said that an obscure third-century priest from Rome has been more universally accepted than Jesus.

Or is it just that there is a greater acceptance of Paul McCartney’s edict that “All You Need Is Love.” Fortunately, there is a lot of it around.

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Trump's first draft State of the Union Address

We are not at liberty to say how, but Fryday has acquired what is believed to be an early draft of President Trump’s 2019 State of the Union address. We cannot vouch for authenticity, but it appears to be in his hand-writing and the frequent spelling errors, which for the sake of context we have not corrected, suggest it is his work alone.

Draft State of the Union Addres 2019

By

Donald J. Trump

President of the United States of America.

My fellow Americans

I stand before both houses today…

No, I don’t need an introduction, Nancy. Everybody knows me.

I am very famous. Yes, I am.

My fellow Americans. I stand before you today as your President not just of these great United States of ours. But of the free world.

(WAIT FOR APPLAUSE)

In less than three short years I have become the most respected President the world has ever known…ever.

I have brought peace to the world by putting those who would threaten America on notice that fire will rain down on them.

A fire like they have never seen before.

I have spent more on the defence of our great country than any President in history.

I have given the brave men and women of our armed services the great resolve and weapons that have made us the greatest power the world has known.

Yes, we are. Great, isn’t it?

It is

Europe, Canada, Mexico-they cannot longer be in any doubt that America will act and act decisively if we are threatened.

And I have told our friends that they no longer have anything to fear from us. Russia and North Korea know that America is bringing the world into a great error of peace.

The greatest error of peace the world has known. Yes, it is.

(APPLAUSE AGAIN)

The American economy and American jobs are the best they have ever been.

I have created 1.5 million new jobs. Yes, I have. Great, isn’t it? Yes, it is.

I have brought the car industry back to America.

(APPLUSE)

We are producing more televisions sets than ever.

(APPLAUSE)

Reality television which, let’s face it, I created—is thriving.

(WAIT FOR RAPTUOUS APPLAUSE)

I have transformed our environment.

I am told that for the first time in years the wholly mamoth has returned to Alaska.

The world is getting warmer so that we can spend more time on the golf course.

I have drained the swamp here in Washington and that has made Washington a lot healthyer for everybody.

I am told that Washington has never been so safe since the White House was occupied by our first President, Andrew Jackson.

(GIVE A SALUTE)

And by the way, here in the United States, the women are getting prettier by the day.

Yes, they are.
Beautiful.

None of which would be possible without strong, decisive leadership and the support of the great American people. 
TOGETHER WE HAVE MADE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN.

(HOLD UP HAND AFTER FIVE MUNTES TO END APPLAUSE)

Yes, we have.

It’s true.

But even a great President like me and with the great American people fully behind him could not have achieved what I have achieved without the support of a woman. America is hugely grateful, I can tell you, to that woman—my daughter Ivanka.

(APPLAUSE)

She’s great, isn’t she?

Yes, she is.

Beautiful.

Sit down, darling.

To my Vice-President Mike Pence. Thank you, Mike—you make me look good.

Great, isn’t he?

(DON’T WAIT)

Last of all, I want to thank the news media.

Your fake news, your lies, your bimbo newsreaders are why you are failing.

CNN viewership has fallen by 68%.

The Washington Post’s circulation is the lowest its been since 1803.

The New Your Times is about to go bankrupt. Yes, it is.

Yet through you’re lies you have shown the American people that the only credable news outlets are Fox and Twitter.

Yes, you have.

My fellow Americans… I stand before you a humble President—the most humble President America has ever had.

God bless you.

And God bless Russia….America.

Delivery time without applause: 10 minutes.

Delivery time with applause: 58 minutes (est).

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Trump--The God Dialogues

Trump Annex

Office of The President of the United States of America.

1600 Pennsylvania Ave NW, Washington, DC 20500, USA

Telephone: You’re Crazy, right? Twitter: #millionsofpeopleloveme.

2/7/2019

Dear God

I look good, very very good. And all the fake media who said I could never look presidential have got to eat their fake worrds.

Did you see my State of the Union Address? I am told that it was the greatest State of the Union Address ever. Millions watched it and I got a standing ovation that lasted a lot longer than any State of the Union address in the history of our great country.

Did you see all those women in white who gave me the longest ovation of all? I expect a lot from women but didn’t expect that!  Unless I have them in bed, they are usually about as expressive as Mike Pence’s face.

Did you see Mike Pence—God, I LOOK GOOD.

Donald J. Trump

Best President of the United States of America.

PS: Have you opened that Twitter account yet. You really should—reach a lot lot more people that way.

Fake news and how to fake it

Donald Trump and his spokespeople have been responsible for adding some indelible phrases to our lexicon. Two of the more famous, or infamous, are fake news and alternative facts.

Both illustrate that Mr Trump has a grasp of language, its utilisation and its populist effect. However, whilst he has mastered the use of language he has not yet—and never will—master the language itself.

Examples of that are the spelling mistakes, the grammar errors and the prolific use of redundancies such as “very”—something or somebody is either smart or not smart; very smart is an unnecessary inflection that portrays and betrays a person prone to oversell.

However, those are nuances that a large part of Trump’s constituency neither know nor care about. The bluff and bluster of a typical Trump speech is what they want to hear and if truth and facts are not invited guests at that particular feast we hardly note their absence. Trump knows that and knows his audience doesn’t care. He can say what he likes, and he knows he will get away with it.

But that is content not delivery. Trump’s verbiage, if subjected to a scrutiny beyond the capability of the MAGA brigade, shows a man who has lost control of that most precious of commodities—language.
Listen to him closely: his speeches, most often unscripted, are closer to rants than measured discourse. Words pour from him like a waterfall—unchecked, unmodulated and—although at least going in the same direction—uncontrolled.

I believe Trump does not know what he is saying while he is saying it and having said it has no recall of what he said.

You may disagree. You may say he is a (very) clever man—a master manipulator.

No, he isn’t.

I spent fifty years in advertising; I have worked with politicians for much of my life and I have a nerdy passion for great speeches. I know master manipulators.

Trump is not one, believe me.

Trump is dumb. Genuinely dumb.

Trump in whatever he portrays, or is perceived as, is faking it.

He is his own fake news.

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Why Trump will not run for office in 2020

“America has not had a moral compass, let alone moral conscience, since the death of Billy Graham and Martin Luther King, so nobody listens to liberals anymore.”

There is some doubt that the Trump presidency will go full-term. Many left-leaning liberals have created a persistent, strident and amazingly resilient call for his head. However, America has not had a moral compass, let alone moral conscience, since the death of Billy Graham and Martin Luther King, so nobody listens to liberals anymore.

What’s more telling is that calls for a beheading are coming from the right. Stephen Bannon, one-time Trump supporter and senior political and strategy advisor, recently said of Trump’s political prospects: there is a 33.3 per cent chance of the Mueller investigation leading to the impeachment of the president; a 33.3 per cent chance that the president would resign, perhaps ahead a threat from the cabinet to remove him; and a 33.3 per cent chance that he, Trump, would limp to the end of his first term. There was a 100 per cent chance, Bannon said, that he would not stand again.

I believe that, but not for any of the reasons Bannon postulates. I believe Donald Trump—if he reaches that far will not run again because in the  first place  he didn’t want to be where he is today and in the second place, and prior to his November 8 2016 election, he never thought he would be.

Those contentions are not without supporting evidence. Trump is a game-player—in fact, he is more often than not The Game. He is also a reality-star, who has by his own admission cultivated an image—a brand. Why not display it on the grandest stage of all—an American presidential election. Moreover, he could play the spoiler, which would be fun—God help Trump (and America) if he won though. That wasn’t the intent. That wasn’t The Game.

Also lining up in support of Trump not believing he would win, is something he said to his wife Melania. According to Michael Wolff in his book on the early Trump years, Fire and Fury, two weeks before the election, Melania came to Trump in tears. Wolff said she was fed up with the amount and the type (mainly critical) of media attention she was getting. She wanted out. Trump’s purported reply was that it would all be over in two weeks and they could return to normal (whatever normal means in the Trumpashere). Two weeks later, on November 8, Melania was again in tears. Normality was not to be part of the life of a president’s wife, even a wife who lived with an abnormality—her husband.

Second in the absurdities, was the length Trump took to accumulate his senior staff—a process not yet complete and, given the fractious whim of the president, unlikely to be. He and his staff were woefully unready to assume office—because they never expected (nor wanted) to! Only one of Trump’s initial senior staff, Secretary of Veterans’ Affairs, David Shulkin, was a hold-over from the Obama years—and he’s gone.

In fact, and as of last count, 65% of Trump appointed staff have left. Trump promised to “drain the swamp”; it appears he has done so, but of his own people.

So, there is evidence that Trump never wanted to be president and was distressingly unprepared for it. So was his staff. So was his family. Now that he is the president, albeit a reluctant one, I think Trump is bored by the role. His ego may keep him in office for another couple of years, but boredom, political paralysis and possibly legal matters will persuade him not to stand again.  However, he will offer none of those reasons for standing down. He will instead say that it was the media that hounded him out of office.

The Master of the Deal…will become the martyr of the masses.

Little pride in this

There has been a series of events in New Zealand over the last fortnight that, to the dispassionate observer, seem inexplicable. First, there was the sacking of Santa—Neville Baker—from the Farmers’ Santa Parade because he stated the obvious—that Santa is a man and he wouldn’t hire a woman for the role. Then there was the replacement of Nelson’s Santa by a “Santa in a Korowai”—in effect, a Maori bloke that organisers told us reflected multiculturalism and diversity.  It didn’t—it just messed with kids’ heads. Point is that both events were greeted with derision, a fair bit of gnashing of teeth and a whole lot of shaking of heads in bewilderment.

It would be fair to say that neither is likely to happen again, and lessons have been learnt. A reinstatement and an apology were forthcoming.

Not so the Pride Parade and its board.

Their decision last month to ban police in uniform from this year’s Pride Parade was almost as bad as the other two events in its conception and lack of perception. The difference, however, is that the Pride Board has aggravated what I call its grievous error by seeking and gaining majority support for its stance at a meeting held last night.

Who attended the meeting and how representative they are of the LGBTQIA+ community I have no way of knowing.

What I am prepared to bet though is the vote supporting the decision would in no way reflect the feeling of the wider community, who greeted the original decision with scorn. And nor should it. It is a gay parade and they can do what they want with it. Though I have to say that if this group gets to add any more letters to its already unwieldy LGBTQIA+

name, it soon will be encompassing all the rest of us. Perhaps we are already there, covered by that + sign.

But what got me was the board’s rationale for the less uniform decision. Among other things they cited police mistreatment of transgender people and people of colour. They also said some people who would be appearing in the parade would feel threatened by a uniformed police presence. Pride chair LGBTQIA+ (pick one) Cissy Rock reiterated that as late as this morning. I accept that police mistreatment (and misunderstanding) of the gay community may have occurred in the past and may even continue to do so today. But is penalising the police this way the best way to go about redressing the situation?

It cannot do that. Nothing is ever achieved by shutting down dialogue. Even Pride’s expressed values of inclusion, engagement and diversity suggest that on this occasion the board and its acolytes have acted against what Pride says it is trying to achieve.

Their compromise offer of allowing police to parade if they wore t-shirts is laughable. What should the T-shirt say? “I attended the Pride Parade, and all I got was this T-shirt”?

For our pride’s sake, let’s just get through the silly season and return (I hope) to a sense of sensibility and simplicity.

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Pick up lines

I am not great at picking up birds.

To be honest, I rarely had the requirement to do so. Any bird that has fallen for me has done so, if not entirely into my lap, at least in sufficient proximity that I haven’t had to go hunting for them.

What I have learnt, though, is that a bird falling for me is entirely excusable. Forgiveness is not a factor, but understanding is. They can’t help it. They are what they are, and I am who I am. Both of us victims or beneficiaries of Nature taking her course.

Which means, of course, I am less the hunter and more the gatherer.

So, you will understand my perplexion today when a bird—a pretty wee thing—fell for me.

What was to be my response? Should I, as my heart was vehemently urging, nurture her? Should I, instead, ignore her in the belief that ultimately it would be better for all? Should I study her with studied indifference, which would have a demoralising and long-term effect on someone so young and impressionable?

In fact, I did what most men of my age and proclivity do: I turned to Google.

Google told me to leave her alone.

Google told that Nature would indeed take her course, and whilst it wasn’t entirely natural that a young bird should fall for an old man like me, it was not  entirely unexpected or unacceptable.

Leave it, Google told me.

So, I did.

And that is my advice to you and to anyone who has birds falling for them. Birds do it all the time (apparently) and unless they are in immediate and mortal danger long-term harm is unlikely.

The bird that fell for me remains outside my window looking in. A few branches above her, her siblings remain in the nest and frequently her mother and father return to make sure she is okay and to show she has not been forgotten.

If one of them has fallen, though not yet flown, from the nest, it is just a matter of time and nature. She will cope, the family will cope and both will survive, and no doubt thrive.
This is a family in love.

No help required from me.

Annoying people

Annoying people are everywhere. In fact, they are an annoying fact of life, and like a leech that latches on to your body almost impossible to shake off.

Of course, there are degrees of annoyness. At the lower end of the scale are lazy writers who make up words like annoyness to explain a point. At the higher end of the scale are, I suggest, the following. And before I start my list, let me explain that in several cases, I am stereotyping, and this is grossly unfair. For example, not all Cantabrians are annoying—just a few, but enough.

Too much information

These annoyers are those who insist of regaling us with information that we are not remotely interested in and have little relevance to our circumstances. Most common are those that tell us their medical condition/history in detail. Others include cruise-liner passengers and their latest cruise (and the one before that and so on) and believers in natural therapies.

Mr Right

These are the opinionated people—mainly blokes—who believe they are always right and anyone with a contrary opinion is wrong. Everybody has a right to an opinion or a belief, but they don’t have the right to believe or assume that they are emphatically right. The only certainties in life, my friend, are death and taxes and the superiority of league over rugby. And, no, Trump is not God just because you say he is.

Cantabrians

Talking of superiority, Cantabrians have long held a superiority complex, particularly when it comes to slagging off at Aucklanders. Yes, you may have a better rugby team (frequently) and a better cricket team (sometimes), but that is because Aucklanders (usually) have better things to do—in short, they have a life.

Rampant Email Forwarders

This has been for a long time one of the most annoying aspects/abuses of modern technology. Look, we are not interested in some random inspirational thoughts somebody, just as annoying as you, has sent you. Same goes for Facebook postings: sunsets are beautiful, why mar them by overlaying them with some tin-pot, Christmas-cracker philosophy. And, yes, that puppy is cute, but I have seen a dozen today already.
Born-again Christians
I admire your fervour, just don't bring it around me. Preach to the converted, not at me.

Comparers

Similar to Mr Right. These are the people who have never heard that comparisons are odious and insist on comparing the relative merits of sporting codes (League V Rugby etc), beer brands, Holden V Ford, and so on, entirely forgetting or ignoring the fact that people may have a contrary opinion or, more often, simply don’t care. All sport is good, even if League is gooder.

Correctors

We all make mistakes. No Fryday goes out without one or more. They are not life-threatening. The only use I have for a corrector is the excellent copy-editor who corrects my newspaper articles; I couldn’t live without here (sic).

Sic People

People who use sic. Are you deliberately trying to humiliate us? Just correct the damn thing, and shut up.

Jami-Lee Ross

Well, that’s my list of annoyers. Not complete or exhaustive by any means. I would be interested to know who you find annoying. Not actually know them, of course—I would likely find them just as annoying—just a general guide. Dive in and give me your thoughts.

As Cecil C. Sackrider Sees It: God’s gifts

Last night my wife Bobby-Jo and I were conjoined in contemplative prayer. Prayer is the most precious of God’s gifts and from the time that I was saved and brought into his righteous presence and was anointed thus, He has bestowed upon me his love and the gift of spreading His Word.

And thus, it was that my Bobby-Jo, when contemplation was at its most intense, looked upon me and said:

“Pastor, what is the Word of God?”

I smiled benignly upon her. I thanked God again, as I had many times before, for the blessing he had given me of one so young, so innocent, so searching.

“Oh, you are so young, so innocent, so searching,” I said to her. “The Word of God is a precious gift and you know what is most precious about it?"

“No,” replied Bobby-Jo, in wide-eyed wonder and obvious adoration for everything I said and everything I did to and for her.

“The most precious thing about God’s Word is that it is ever-changing, ever-evolving. He never allows it to stagnate as if in the marshes of the Holly land or the depths of depravity of the Democratic Party. He is forever changing His Word and blessing us with new riches.”

“But Pastor, still I do not understand.”

Again, I smiled benignly.

“What do you not understand, my Precious,” I asked, reflecting as I did that this sweet child was just as precious a gift from God.

“I still do not understand why the Word is so precious. Forgive me.”

“It is precious, my dear, because as I have told you it is ever-changing. The Word of God last week, is not the Word of God this week.”

“But, why…”

“Because our people have already paid in our ministries for last week’s Word, they are yet to hear and pay for—gift—this week’s Word. That is why it is so precious. To us.”

“I see,” she said.

“I know you do,” I said. “Now, come to me and we will again contemplate what God has given us."

For this week’s Word of God, as delivered personally by God to Cecil C. Sackrider (handwriting verified), send a check or money order (minimum US$99.99) to the Cecil C. Sackrider Ministry 1069E West 35 Street Montgomery Alabama United States of America, Zip Code 666.  Checks should be made out to CASH (Congregation Against Satan’s Handiwork). All donations over US$50,000 go into the draw to win a three-day family pass to the Cecil C. Sackrider Theme Park. Offer available only to American Christians and Republicans.

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