The lament of a Hamilton librarian

I woke to a foggy morning today.

That in itself is not unusual, but the very opaqueness of the fog that greeted me this day was almost Dickensian. My first thought was to stay in bed. But, I knew I could not. I knew that I had to venture out…to where my friends are.  I know they will be there to greet me, as they have been daily for the last four(?), five(?)—how many years has it been? The years have, like the Hamilton fog, obscured much. But unlike the fog, that obfuscation has been a blessing, protecting me from the reality of being…of being here.

I woke to a foggy morning today. However, I made my way by bike to work. I chained my bike to the railing outside as is the purpose of the railing. The pragmatism of the railing is disquieting and does nothing, as an embodiment of the town, to dispel the omnipresent depression one feels constantly and inevitably.

But, my friends are here, here to greet me. There they are in rigid lines, smiling at me. They are a colourful cluster, inside and out. The rigidity of the lines belies the riot of colour they present—each so different from the others, each providing an individual ingredient to the banquet of friendship they present. It is a rich and rewarding banquet. It is one, I think, I could not live without.

My friends, my books.

I should not want to live without my books. The Hamilton Public Library where I work, where I cycle to every day from my bedsitter in Claudelands, is an oasis of calm and culture in this town.

No, it is more than that: it is a sanctuary and a portal—through which one may escape this world and journey to lands afar where beasts may be tamed, mountains may be climbed, crimes may be solved, bodices may be ripped, and love may be found.

The Hamilton Public Library is all this…and more.

The Hamilton Public Library is my home, my haven…my liberty.

What I want to be when I grow up

Let’s at the outset say that I am what I always intended to be as a grown-up. Whether I have indeed grown up is the only question left unanswered. I spent 30 years in advertising. And that is what I wanted to do. It was a productive time for me. It taught me many life-skills that—had time remained my friend—would have got me a job in just about every profession I could name. I compiled a list of a few. I could have become:

A teacher

In advertising, I learnt to be adept at seemingly retaining my fervour for the job whilst secretly seething with frustration. It wasn’t that the job was not personally rewarding. It was. And for a teacher able to shape young minds it must be doubly so. But in teaching as in advertising there is always an expectation for you to sell something you don’t entirely believe in—like The Treaty.

An airline pilot

Back in the 70s and 80s we in advertising flew high. We mastered the art of doing so with very little substance below us and only the rarefied air of being on top of the world to sustain us. Of course, there was always the possibility we would come crashing to the ground—as we did in the mid-80s—but we never lived for tomorrow. We lived for the day and couldn’t remember it tomorrow.

A Hamilton librarian

In Auckland advertising we were good. But those working in Wellington were better. We learnt early to handle the frustration of being second-best or being even further down the totem pole if we accept that most of the great advertising of the time emanated from the United Kingdom. So, I could handle the Hamilton humiliation of being at best second best. At least a Hamilton librarian has the facility to think of books less as a vocation than as an escape.

Leader of NZ First

Of all the jobs I am qualified for, this comes pretty close to the top. The reason is that advertising taught me one essential skill—one precept, one I share with the current leader of NZ First: “it is not what you want to say, it is what they want to hear.” I am good at that.

A televangelist

Possibly the easiest for me to master, given my advertising background. Essentially it is sales. No more, no less. Once you manage to lose that frustrating little albatross some call a conscience and replace it with the knack to selling with fervour, passion and naked belief something in which you have no belief—you are made. Advertising is second only to car sales as providing the necessary skills for televangelism.

Local body communications manager

Top of the tree for me. Requires only the essential skill (learnt in advertising and PR) of seemingly saying something when you are not. There is a skill in that. An even greater skill, requiring greater imagination, is finding a way to say nothing at all. After all, you are an expert in communications—not conveying it, just creatively avoiding it. That’s what council pays you for. Only problem is I would probably have to change my name to Dick, because that is what everybody else would call me.

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Sex, with cows

When Fryday has nothing to write about and doesn’t want to revisit Wogistan, it usually reverts to the Hamilton Library’s Book of lists or The University of Waikato.

This week Fryday went to university

The University of Waikato is fertile ground for Fryday. It is the go-to place for ill-considered and retrograde activism and totally useless research. You may recall a Fryday post about the award-winning Waikato University study into “the geographicalism of sexism”. The university has disclosed a more recent and equally compelling thesis on Hamiltonians’ addiction to cars. The best that can be said for that is that cars may be the only addictive thing about Hamilton.

For an update Fryday visited the university website today and using the search box found:

56,817 posts on sexism
333,480 posts on racism

 370,853 posts on sexuality (they like it down there)

 313,143 posts on cows

And remarkably (don’t ask):

  3,482 posts on cows and sexuality.

The University of Waikato is certainly the place to be if you want to produce relevant, compelling research that provides optimal use of the public purse.

Of course The University of Waikato is not alone among universities in its weirdness, or indeed in its love of cows. In researching the latter, Fryday was drawn to the Sub-Continent where cows are just as loved, revered and worshiped as they are in Hamilton.

It was no surprise therefore to find the University of Kota.

Kota takes the cake for weirdness.

Just visiting the home page of its website is to delve into www or, as I describe it, the wonderful world of weird. Be patient with the opening welcoming video—it starts slow, but I can promise you it gets even slower. It celebrates something called the Fifth Convocation. A dictionary definition of convocation is a large gathering of people; up to now I thought it was prisoners going on holiday.

Going deeper into www:Kota one finds a page devoted to anti-ragging rules. What is ragging? Again a dictionary definition: it “now” means an act that violates a student’s dignity. It used to be a woman having her period. I am not sure when the page was posted on the Kota website, but—I suggest—the timing is important, because the intent is to “curb the menace” of ragging and that could, periodically, be very weird indeed.

However, in defence of the University of Kota and all other universities  a search of their sites reveals no posts for cows and sexuality.

Waikato, it appears you have that on your own.

Hamilton Public Library Book of Lists: 2015.

Chilly nights and clear days again herald the advent of winter, and with it the Hamilton Public Library’s Annual Book of Lists—those books, periodicals and other media that captured the interest of the good folk of Hamilton over the past 12 months. As always, Fryday is indebted to the librarians of Hamilton for whom a book is both a passion and a blessed escape.

1. Most Popular Career Book (Female): A Life in Hairdressing.
2. Most Popular Career Book (Male): A Life in Hairdressing.
3.  Most Popular Entertainment Book: Hamilton—The Inspiration for Rocky Horror Picture Show, by Richard O’Brien.
4.  Most Popular Autobiography: My Life as a Hamilton Hairdresser, by Richard O’Brien.
5.  Most Popular Cook Book: KFC Menu.
6.   Most Popular Sport Book (Equal First): The Chiefs—Almost Making Us Proud to Live in Hamilton.
7.   Most Popular Sport Book (Equal First): The Fall and the Fall of the Auckland Blues.
8.   Most Stolen Book:  A Guide to Auckland’s Most Expensive Homes, and Their Security Systems.
9.   Least Popular Book: Living in the Shadow of Auckland.
10.   Most Popular Magazine (Male): Straight Furrow, The Magazine for Heterosexual Farmers.
11.   Second Most Popular Magazine (Male):  The Next Best Thing—Bovine Beauties on the Farm.
12.   Most Popular Magazine (Female):  Time of the Month—Working With Your Hairdresser.
13.   Most Popular Computer Book: A Step-by-Step Picture Guide to Finding Google on Your Computer
14.   Second Most Popular Computer Book: A Step-by-Step Picture Guide to Turning on Your Computer.
15.   Second Most Popular Magazine (Female): She’s a Cow!!!!! How to deal with his bovine infatuation.  A Seven-Part Series.
16.  Most Requested Book: Short, Back and Sides From the Front—Gallipoli Inspired Hairstyles for the Lesbian Community.
17. Best War Book: What a Do!—Hamilton Hairdressers who served at Gallipoli.
18. Best Farming Periodical: Why Only Cows? A Study of the Post-Colonial Genderisation and Stereolisation of the New Zealand Dairy Industry as it Equates to the Objectification as Cows as the Sole Providers of Dairy Milk. (A Waikato University Women’s Studies Department Publication).
19. Most Popular University Document: Auckland University Enrolment Form.
20. Most Popular ‘How To’ Book: Knots—What We Can Learn From Fifty Shades of Grey.
21. Most Popular Council Publication: God is not that thirsty—Hamilton City Council Liquor Licensing Laws.
22. Most Popular Life Affirmation Title: God Knows— Homilies for Hamiltonians (updated to include Hamilton City Council Long Term Plan).
23. Most Popular Military Title (still): Fags, Fogs, and Frigates—Hamilton’s Contribution to the Royal New Zealand Navy.
24. Favourite Parenting Book: Kids and Cows—God’s Gifts To Us All.
25. Favourite DVD: Fast & Furious—CCTV Footage of Auckland Drivers.
26. Favourite Music DVD: K-Tel’s Kuntry Klassics Vol.1 (also available on VHS and Beta).
27. Favourite DVD (Adult Section): Country Calendar Uncensored.
28. Favourite DVD (Young Adult): Twerking, It is, like,  sooooo NOW!!!
29. Most Anticipated Book: Hello Sailor—A Follow Up to Fags, Fogs, and Frigates.
30. Most Popular Book of the Year: Fifty Shades of Grey — Where It All Began, A Homage to Hamilton, by E.L. James (in appreciation).