Pick up lines

I am not great at picking up birds.

To be honest, I rarely had the requirement to do so. Any bird that has fallen for me has done so, if not entirely into my lap, at least in sufficient proximity that I haven’t had to go hunting for them.

What I have learnt, though, is that a bird falling for me is entirely excusable. Forgiveness is not a factor, but understanding is. They can’t help it. They are what they are, and I am who I am. Both of us victims or beneficiaries of Nature taking her course.

Which means, of course, I am less the hunter and more the gatherer.

So, you will understand my perplexion today when a bird—a pretty wee thing—fell for me.

What was to be my response? Should I, as my heart was vehemently urging, nurture her? Should I, instead, ignore her in the belief that ultimately it would be better for all? Should I study her with studied indifference, which would have a demoralising and long-term effect on someone so young and impressionable?

In fact, I did what most men of my age and proclivity do: I turned to Google.

Google told me to leave her alone.

Google told that Nature would indeed take her course, and whilst it wasn’t entirely natural that a young bird should fall for an old man like me, it was not  entirely unexpected or unacceptable.

Leave it, Google told me.

So, I did.

And that is my advice to you and to anyone who has birds falling for them. Birds do it all the time (apparently) and unless they are in immediate and mortal danger long-term harm is unlikely.

The bird that fell for me remains outside my window looking in. A few branches above her, her siblings remain in the nest and frequently her mother and father return to make sure she is okay and to show she has not been forgotten.

If one of them has fallen, though not yet flown, from the nest, it is just a matter of time and nature. She will cope, the family will cope and both will survive, and no doubt thrive.
This is a family in love.

No help required from me.

Annoying people

Annoying people are everywhere. In fact, they are an annoying fact of life, and like a leech that latches on to your body almost impossible to shake off.

Of course, there are degrees of annoyness. At the lower end of the scale are lazy writers who make up words like annoyness to explain a point. At the higher end of the scale are, I suggest, the following. And before I start my list, let me explain that in several cases, I am stereotyping, and this is grossly unfair. For example, not all Cantabrians are annoying—just a few, but enough.

Too much information

These annoyers are those who insist of regaling us with information that we are not remotely interested in and have little relevance to our circumstances. Most common are those that tell us their medical condition/history in detail. Others include cruise-liner passengers and their latest cruise (and the one before that and so on) and believers in natural therapies.

Mr Right

These are the opinionated people—mainly blokes—who believe they are always right and anyone with a contrary opinion is wrong. Everybody has a right to an opinion or a belief, but they don’t have the right to believe or assume that they are emphatically right. The only certainties in life, my friend, are death and taxes and the superiority of league over rugby. And, no, Trump is not God just because you say he is.

Cantabrians

Talking of superiority, Cantabrians have long held a superiority complex, particularly when it comes to slagging off at Aucklanders. Yes, you may have a better rugby team (frequently) and a better cricket team (sometimes), but that is because Aucklanders (usually) have better things to do—in short, they have a life.

Rampant Email Forwarders

This has been for a long time one of the most annoying aspects/abuses of modern technology. Look, we are not interested in some random inspirational thoughts somebody, just as annoying as you, has sent you. Same goes for Facebook postings: sunsets are beautiful, why mar them by overlaying them with some tin-pot, Christmas-cracker philosophy. And, yes, that puppy is cute, but I have seen a dozen today already.
Born-again Christians
I admire your fervour, just don't bring it around me. Preach to the converted, not at me.

Comparers

Similar to Mr Right. These are the people who have never heard that comparisons are odious and insist on comparing the relative merits of sporting codes (League V Rugby etc), beer brands, Holden V Ford, and so on, entirely forgetting or ignoring the fact that people may have a contrary opinion or, more often, simply don’t care. All sport is good, even if League is gooder.

Correctors

We all make mistakes. No Fryday goes out without one or more. They are not life-threatening. The only use I have for a corrector is the excellent copy-editor who corrects my newspaper articles; I couldn’t live without here (sic).

Sic People

People who use sic. Are you deliberately trying to humiliate us? Just correct the damn thing, and shut up.

Jami-Lee Ross

Well, that’s my list of annoyers. Not complete or exhaustive by any means. I would be interested to know who you find annoying. Not actually know them, of course—I would likely find them just as annoying—just a general guide. Dive in and give me your thoughts.

As Cecil C. Sackrider Sees It: God’s gifts

Last night my wife Bobby-Jo and I were conjoined in contemplative prayer. Prayer is the most precious of God’s gifts and from the time that I was saved and brought into his righteous presence and was anointed thus, He has bestowed upon me his love and the gift of spreading His Word.

And thus, it was that my Bobby-Jo, when contemplation was at its most intense, looked upon me and said:

“Pastor, what is the Word of God?”

I smiled benignly upon her. I thanked God again, as I had many times before, for the blessing he had given me of one so young, so innocent, so searching.

“Oh, you are so young, so innocent, so searching,” I said to her. “The Word of God is a precious gift and you know what is most precious about it?"

“No,” replied Bobby-Jo, in wide-eyed wonder and obvious adoration for everything I said and everything I did to and for her.

“The most precious thing about God’s Word is that it is ever-changing, ever-evolving. He never allows it to stagnate as if in the marshes of the Holly land or the depths of depravity of the Democratic Party. He is forever changing His Word and blessing us with new riches.”

“But Pastor, still I do not understand.”

Again, I smiled benignly.

“What do you not understand, my Precious,” I asked, reflecting as I did that this sweet child was just as precious a gift from God.

“I still do not understand why the Word is so precious. Forgive me.”

“It is precious, my dear, because as I have told you it is ever-changing. The Word of God last week, is not the Word of God this week.”

“But, why…”

“Because our people have already paid in our ministries for last week’s Word, they are yet to hear and pay for—gift—this week’s Word. That is why it is so precious. To us.”

“I see,” she said.

“I know you do,” I said. “Now, come to me and we will again contemplate what God has given us."

For this week’s Word of God, as delivered personally by God to Cecil C. Sackrider (handwriting verified), send a check or money order (minimum US$99.99) to the Cecil C. Sackrider Ministry 1069E West 35 Street Montgomery Alabama United States of America, Zip Code 666.  Checks should be made out to CASH (Congregation Against Satan’s Handiwork). All donations over US$50,000 go into the draw to win a three-day family pass to the Cecil C. Sackrider Theme Park. Offer available only to American Christians and Republicans.

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