To all the children of America

 Trump Annex

Office of The President of the United States of America.

1600 Pennsylvania Ave NW, Washington, DC 20500, USA

Telephone: You’re Crazy, right? Twitter: #millionsofpeopleloveme.

AN OPEN LETTER TO

ALL AMERICAN CHILDREN

FROM

THE PRESIDENT

I can imagine you are as excited as I am knowing the great American, Santa Claus, is so busy right now making great presents for me and you. He will have his little elves—or, as I like to call them, Mini Me’s—hard at work at their little desks making such great toys.

And you know what, children? What is best about that? Santa is giving those jobs to Americans. Yes he is. They may be little people. But they are still Americans. If you visited his workshop today you wouldn’t see Mexicans and other drug dealers, rapists and swimming pool cleaners. No, you would only see Americans. Real Americans. Americans like you and me.

And that is what is good about Christmas. It’s American. It’s ours. None of those folks from the Meddle East get to share it. No Christmas gifts for them. But Christmas is a time for love. So we show love, don’t we? If you have a Meddle Eastern kid in your class (they are usually the darker ones with names like Mustapha or Fatima or something), you go up to them and say how sorry you are that they weren’t born an American.
You tell them it not their fault.  It’s their parents.

On a sad note. Did you read where all Santa’s reindeer are getting killed on Alaskan roads? Runover and squashed. I was sad too when I read that. So I am going to do something about it. I am immediately authorising more oil and gas pipelines all across Alaska so we won’t need as many roads to cart oil and kill reindeers. That will allow us to do more drilling for oil too.

Won’t that be good? And, you know what? You can help! Go right through to your mom and Dad right now and tell them that President Donald J. Trump is saving Santa’s reindeer and they need to get right behind congressmen on the More-Drilling-Platform. Do that, and there could even be an extra present for you in Santa’s sack.

But let’s not forget the true meaning of Christmas—Family. I love my family. I have a great family. But let’s also not forget that other family of long long ago who gave birth to a  son. A special son. Thiers was the true gift of Christmas. A son destined one day to be President of your United States.

Merry Christmas one and all. God bless America.

Donald J. Trump

President of the United States of America.

Our Gift to America

Kim Dotcom has well and truly overstayed his welcome. The perception of him as a big lovable bear much maligned by American business is gone. The same can be said of Nicky Hager whose ridiculous books seemingly owe more to innuendo and vagaries than substantive facts. Put the two together and one is reminded of Laurel and Hardy, and just not in physical resemblance. They, too, were buffoons.
I was away for the election and where I was the New Zealand election was not mentioned, so I had to bring it up. In a vain attempt to elicit interest and empathise with America and Americans, I mentioned that our popular prime minister John Key had an embryonic and empathetic relationship with their president Barrack Obama and the two regularly played golf together.  That just drew what I thought was an unnecessarily churlish response: everybody plays golf with Barrack Obama. Okay, let’s start again. Have you heard of the All Blacks? No. Sir Edmund Hillary? Who? Kim Dotcom? Is he for real? No, but let’s not go there. And there the breakfast conversation ended, with the pancakes still to be served. It is often said of Americans that they know little and care less for anything outside the United States. I believe that to be largely true. One of my early conversations (with a shuttle driver in New York) went like this:
HE: Where you from Bud?
ME: New Zealand.
HE: Noo Zealand? Wow.
ME: Yep.
HE: What language you folk speak there?
But strike them when they are not hungry and hanging out for pancakes (or tips) and you will find Americans warm and friendly and engaging. They can also be genuinely interested in you and your country. My shuttle driver again:
HE: What football you folk play?
ME: Rugby.
HE: Rugby? Wow. Well, I never.
ME: Never played it?
HE: Never heard of it.
So, if the starting point is that they don’t know of rugby or of the All Blacks, there is little point in pursuing discussion about New Zealand.  The Knowledge vacuum is simply too vast. Besides, my mission was to enjoy their country—which I did—not educate it—which I didn’t.
It saddens me however that the starting (and end) point should be the All Blacks and rugby.
I believe we have much more of substance in this great country of ours.
Much more that we should and should share with the world.
Much we could and should give, to America in particular.
Something they want.
Kim Dotcom.

Not Bothered

God Botherer is not a term I ever use to describe my religious friends. Mainly because I have no religious friends, or at least none deserving of that derisory epithet. But I know what the term means, implicitly and effectively, and it is entirely accurate. These people do bother God. They bother God because, I think, He’s thinking, “Who the Hell are they talking about ?” The God they are talking about—the tele-evangalists, the people who come knocking at my door—bear no relation to the God I was taught about at Sunday School. The God I was taught about was kind, compassionate, all-embracing; not a redneck, bigoted, self-styled moral arbiter with an obscene bank account and a hankering to delve into secular politics. Mitt Romney’s problems were two-fold. The first was that he represented a party with archaic values. The Republican Party, the Grand Old Party, is these days neither grand nor, given its ideological splits, a party. But it is old and long out of touch with progressive thought and a young vote determined to reshape the world. It will find it hard to bounce back from this, and almost impossible to do so in its present form. The second reason I believe that Mitt Romney lost this election—and I believe that he did lose this election, Obama didn’t win it (not with 8% unemployment)—was his religion. Religion is all very laudable, but when it governs all that you do, and therefore, if applied to a President, governs all that you and I do, then it becomes dangerous and these days unacceptable. We saw that with George W. Bush (remember him?) and the memory of war-mongering Bush is still fresh and haunting. It haunted Mitt Romney and ultimately—I believe—played a large part in his losing the election. I once said and remain of the view that the American presidency is so important to the world that Americans should be excluded from voting—its like putting a squirrel in charge of a nut farm; but on this occasion they made the right choice. Thank God.