Two Hundred Shades of Awful

News that EL James is to pen an additional book to the Fifty Shades of Grey trilogy sends a shiver down my spine for several reasons. The first is that, in my view, the first three books are appallingly bad, both in the writing and in their representation of the BDSM world. Of course when it comes to the latter, each to his or her own, and Christian Grey and EL James are entitled to whatever “jollies” they like. But the books smack (pun intended) of little more than Goggle research, and I am prepared to bet that Ms James has never even been to Hamilton.
The second reason that I am all a tither is envy. I wish I had written those books. I wish I had a share of the US$95 million a year EL James purportedly earns these days—and, while I am at it, a share of the $540 million the film took in. I could have written them, I think. I thought about it and there are some these days who suggest I should do it. But, really, it is not my style. And if EL James lacks credibility I would be far worse. After all, how could you take seriously anything on the serious subject of subjugation of women from a man who a month ago was writing letters from Wogistan and last week  offered a learned pedagogy on the use of toilet seats.
No, it wouldn’t work. Not for me and not for you, dear reader.
But will it work for EL James? And here we come to my third reservation about the fourth book. We are told that Ms James will write it from Christian Grey’s (the man’s ) perspective.  My question is, is anyone interested in his perspective? And I am not asking this of my male readership. Men made up only 20% of FSOG purchasers. I want to know whether women (the other 80%) are in any way interested in in reliving the story from Christian Grey’s viewpoint? And certainly after previously subjecting themselves to the slightly dim-witted and certainly unnaturally naive Anastasia Steele and her “experiences”.
Do you expect to learn anything? I would be surprised if you do. We men are fairly superficial really. Generally speaking, what you see is what you get. And if EL James has created a complex character such as Christian Grey, don’t forget he is a work of fiction. Real men, in the real world, are simple souls, with simple prurient interests easily identified and exploited by women. That is why Hooters are coming to New Zealand.  If there is anything left to learn from and about us, you would probably learn it quicker talking to the man in your life rather than from the new book on your shelf.
Just saying.
And finally on the subject of complexity: toilet seats. Last week’s tome on such a (I thought) prosaic subject drew a wonderful response. It didn’t earn me US$95 million but the number of you who gave me your thoughts was gratifying. You will remember that we men were admonished to put the lid down for very good heath reasons. Well, one of my correspondents, a woman, has offered another compelling reason: feng shui. Apparently, and according to the tenets of feng shui, you can make some simple enhancements to uplift the energy in our bathrooms. The toilet is the most detrimental in reducing the energy. It has the largest opening and when flushed with the lid open  effectively sucks energy down and out of your home.
We men need to put the lid down. I just did not know why. I thought it was just women being fussy.
That’s why we simple men need you complex women to tell us such things.

Useless Objects: The Toilet Lid

From time to time Fryday indulges itself in questioning the veracity and purpose of apparently useless objects. Previous subjects we have scrutinised include eyebrows and male nipples. This week we look at toilet seats.
We begin by getting our terminology right. I talk of toilet seats for ease of reference; I am in fact talking of the toilet lid, which, whilst it forms part of the seat, has far more dire consequences if mistakenly left closed while in use. I can find a use for the seat, mainly comfort while seated, but what is the purpose and function of the lid?
However, before we get to the bottom of that, a slight digression as we look at an eminently practical toilet seat design and the meritorious body that governs it: the open-front toilet seat. The International Association of Plumbing and Mechanical Officials' Uniform Plumbing Code, section 409.2.2, requires that "all water closet seats, except those within dwelling units or for private use, shall be of the open front type". The code has no legal force, but because it is followed by many public authorities, many public toilets feature open front toilet seats (also called "split seats”). The purpose for this seat design is to allow women to wipe the perineal area after using the toilet without contacting the seat. It also omits an area of the seat that could be contaminated with urine, and avoids contact between the seat and the user's genitals.
Who knew? And who knew that there was The International Association of Plumbing and Mechanical Officials? I wonder how often they sit?
But back to lids. Apparently toilet lids provide a very important and sterile service—one that most of us have probably not thought about. Here I am indebted to Fryday’s scientific advisory panel http://www.littleherbal-international.co.nz/ (highly recommended). This makes for troublesome reading, I admit, and you need go no further if you wish, but it has come as a surprise to many I have mentioned this to, that: “After flushing a toilet with the seat up, significant quantities of microbes float around the bathroom for at least two hours after each flush, much like a bacterial and viral aerosol. These microbes then settle onto surfaces, including toothbrushes. So if you don't want to be brushing your teeth with the contents of your toilet, best to keep that seat down when you flush.”
So, toilet lids are there for a purpose. And really, if we are wise, they should be used for that purpose. And whilst it may be galling for we wee men to say it, women have been right all along. We wee men need to put the toilet seat, and its lid, down
And to finish. In researching this item I put in possibly my most improbable Google question ever: “How to use a toilet seat?”
Guess what?
Google gave me 7,690,000 responses!
Who knew?