Two Hundred Shades of Awful

News that EL James is to pen an additional book to the Fifty Shades of Grey trilogy sends a shiver down my spine for several reasons. The first is that, in my view, the first three books are appallingly bad, both in the writing and in their representation of the BDSM world. Of course when it comes to the latter, each to his or her own, and Christian Grey and EL James are entitled to whatever “jollies” they like. But the books smack (pun intended) of little more than Goggle research, and I am prepared to bet that Ms James has never even been to Hamilton.
The second reason that I am all a tither is envy. I wish I had written those books. I wish I had a share of the US$95 million a year EL James purportedly earns these days—and, while I am at it, a share of the $540 million the film took in. I could have written them, I think. I thought about it and there are some these days who suggest I should do it. But, really, it is not my style. And if EL James lacks credibility I would be far worse. After all, how could you take seriously anything on the serious subject of subjugation of women from a man who a month ago was writing letters from Wogistan and last week  offered a learned pedagogy on the use of toilet seats.
No, it wouldn’t work. Not for me and not for you, dear reader.
But will it work for EL James? And here we come to my third reservation about the fourth book. We are told that Ms James will write it from Christian Grey’s (the man’s ) perspective.  My question is, is anyone interested in his perspective? And I am not asking this of my male readership. Men made up only 20% of FSOG purchasers. I want to know whether women (the other 80%) are in any way interested in in reliving the story from Christian Grey’s viewpoint? And certainly after previously subjecting themselves to the slightly dim-witted and certainly unnaturally naive Anastasia Steele and her “experiences”.
Do you expect to learn anything? I would be surprised if you do. We men are fairly superficial really. Generally speaking, what you see is what you get. And if EL James has created a complex character such as Christian Grey, don’t forget he is a work of fiction. Real men, in the real world, are simple souls, with simple prurient interests easily identified and exploited by women. That is why Hooters are coming to New Zealand.  If there is anything left to learn from and about us, you would probably learn it quicker talking to the man in your life rather than from the new book on your shelf.
Just saying.
And finally on the subject of complexity: toilet seats. Last week’s tome on such a (I thought) prosaic subject drew a wonderful response. It didn’t earn me US$95 million but the number of you who gave me your thoughts was gratifying. You will remember that we men were admonished to put the lid down for very good heath reasons. Well, one of my correspondents, a woman, has offered another compelling reason: feng shui. Apparently, and according to the tenets of feng shui, you can make some simple enhancements to uplift the energy in our bathrooms. The toilet is the most detrimental in reducing the energy. It has the largest opening and when flushed with the lid open  effectively sucks energy down and out of your home.
We men need to put the lid down. I just did not know why. I thought it was just women being fussy.
That’s why we simple men need you complex women to tell us such things.