Roy--You Rock Girl!

So Rodney and Roy have buried the hatchet in something other than each other’s backs and moved on. Their mutual adulation was somewhat nauseating and in Roy’s case more than a little mocking. But any smug satisfaction she now has, she deserves—she out-mastered the old dancing master himself and her sudden appearance in Parliament ahead of time and without notice was beautiful to behold, as was the look on Rodney’s face. Hide had nowhere to hide. Last week Fryday opined that the very public falling-out would hurt Rodney Hide more that it would Heather Roy. Some readers took issue with that, citing that Heather was out of a job and Hide wasn’t. I stick by my contention—I thought then and I think now that the incident would not only lose Hide his job in the next election it would consequently lose the Act Party its place in Parliament. The big loser would be Rodney Hide. I can’t see the events of this week changing that frankly. As they say, once a loser…

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You can run but you can't...Hide

A couple of years back I was waiting at an Eden Park bar (which you do) standing next to someone I vaguely recognised but could not place. I obviously stared at him a little too long because he stuck out a rather large hand and informed me that it was good to meet me again. Okay, he is the consummate politician but the incident shows just how disingenuous Rodney Hide is; he and I had never met before. I was reminded this week of that small incident when I read of his falling out with Heather Roy. Among Roy’s complaints is that Hide is something of a bully. He denies it. But I believe it—he has bullied just about everybody in Auckland over the governance issue. And no amount of dancing, glad-handing, forced joviality and sun-eclipsing attire will persuade me differently. They are simply Jekyll masking the real Mr Hide. No doubt he will run again in the next election, but I believe this destroying of Roy—along with the Super City issue—will damage him more than it will her.

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Laid...back again

Last week we looked at the 17 jobs that made us attractive to the opposite sex. This stemmed from the popular perception that actors and other show people can attract and bed salivating fans of the opposite and same sex at will and with gay abandon. They can’t. For example tonight I will perform (on stage) before 130 people. I doubt that any will exhibit the slightest inclination to have sex with me. And any that do will probably be attracted by my closet of tight yellow trousers, pink see-through shirt and mauve chiffon scarves, which will make them of only little interest to me. Nevertheless acting still rates “up there” as an attractor. So, let’s go down. What are the least successful jobs as sex-magnets? These were harder to find. Impossible, in fact, for me to find. There is none on the Internet. So, I made up my own. In doing so, I place myself at great risk of offending everybody in these categories. But the way I look at it, and the point of this exercise is, if nobody else finds you attractive why should I? My 17 jobs least likely to get you laid are:

1. Bus drivers: have a long one but too quick to pull out and difficult to make a pass at.
2. Car salesmen: those gold chains are so abrasive.
3. Council workers: cynical view of the world and can never be quite convinced you would be remotely interested in them.
4. Gynecologist: just how many can he handle?
5. Hamiltonians: cows have to rest some time.
6. High court judges: no longer able to sit around in robes and wigs so have lost interest.
7. Masochists: attractive only to sadists—sex-deprivation is part of the game.
8. Politicians: despised by all and sundry, only a sadist would apply (see masochist above).
9. Radio jocks: honey voices but still hankering after those far off pirate days of being out on a boat with 20 other men.
10. Real Estate salesperson: we all know they over-sell.
11. Rodney Hide: suffers from premature ejaculation and the need to put it all together before he can get a big one.
12. Rugby league players: generally hunt in packs and hard to get alone.
13. Sex Therapist: Knows the theory, can’t put it into practice.
14. Solitaire Players: prefer to play with themselves.
15. Suicide bombers: their perverted ideas of what a blowjob entails repulses.
16. Teacher: who wants to lay there while they explain it to you?
17. TV Newsreader: so, I should be interested in YOU why?

Unreliable Rodney

I don’t know whether it is the economy or the emergence of reality TV and docudramas such as Border Patrol but we are in danger of losing sight of one of life’s staples—humour. There doesn’t seem to be much of it around at the moment, certainly in New Zealand. We are taking ourselves far too seriously.
I knew last night we were below par when I saw Rodney Hide on TV, devoid of his incessant and ingratiating grin. Of course he was meeting Auckland’s mayors and that would swipe the smile off anyone’s face—but, still, Rodney Hide? The dancer par excellence, the workout king, the judicator of jovial, the Yellow Peril? Yes, we are in parlous state when Rodney starts to take himself seriously. We have to fall back on Keith Locke.
I blame Billy T. James.
The late great Billy T. James gave us the apex of New Zealand humour, taking up that mantle from the earlier John Clarke. There has been nothing of their kind since. In them we set the bar too high. I doubt we will ever attain that level of humour, at least from our entertainment sector, again. And these days “comedies” such as Diplomatic Immunity inflicted upon us are less of a laugh than laughable. If Billy T. James was the apex of New Zealand comedy, Diplomatic Immunity is the nadir, akin to the long-forgotten (thankfully) Melody Rules.
TV, through this and other comedic attempts, fails us.
So do politicians. Because if we have now to resort to relying on politicians to give us a good laugh we are well and truly in trouble—Keith is silent, Winston is gone and Rodney is, clearly and sadly, no longer reliable.


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