He's over there; I have called the police

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This week I appeared on Shortland Street, and life for many in New Zealand was enriched. The gravitas of my appearance, evocative as it was of Britain’s wonderful repertory knights, will long remain in the annals of great moments in New Zealand television.

At least in my mind.

The reality is though that if you blinked you missed it. Even my wife failed to see me after repeated viewing, asking once if I were the body. I wasn’t. I had a speaking part, but that part consisted of one line: “He’s over there; I have called the police.” I added a special touch by actually pointing to the body when I said my line, plus displayed appropriate panic in my voice and my face—nuances that somehow escaped the notice of the director and, thus far, Hollywood producers.

There is a wonderful scene in Tootsie when Dustin Hoffman, playing a struggling young actor, asks the director what the motivation is for the role he is playing. He asks, plaintively “what is the back-story?” The role he is playing is, I seem to recall, in a Campbell’s canned soup commercial—as the can!

As silly as that situation is, it exists and is something all actors, amateur and professional, relate to.  We want to inject something into the roles we play, no matter how small.

So whilst my time on screen and Shortland Street may have lasted less than two seconds I spent fully a week composing my character and my delivery. What would I be like if I had actually discovered a body (the story-line)? What would my reaction be? What and to whom would I be communicating? What insight and guidance if any from the director would I be given? What indeed would be the state of the body and what influence would that have on my reaction?

So, loins suitably girded I arrived on set to suddenly feel my loins ungirding and panic setting in as my “big moment” approached.

“And, action!”

“He’s over there; I have called the police.”

“Great. Thanks Mike. Let’s set up for the next shot.”

That was it. One take and it was done. I was done.

But I stand ready to go again, Mr Producer. The door is open and I am sufficiently confident in my skill to deliver perhaps two lines next time and let’s not forget my ability to point while talking.

And while I am at it, may I also remind you that indeed I did not play the body. Now, that would be a dead-end job. There is still life left in this old actor yet.

Right, Mr DeMille, I’m ready for my close up.

Laid Back

If you have ever wondered about your acting ability, and you probably haven’t, try playing a gay guy. I am doing that at the moment. I thought it would be a measure of the credibility of my performance, and therefore my acting, to see whether I am attractive to men in that role or even indeed I am propositioned. I wasn’t. Moreover, I wasn’t propositioned by women either! That’s unusual for an actor.
Or is it? Common belief is that an actor, by virtue of their profession alone, is attractive to a person of the opposite sex—and to the same sex for that matter. We all believe that, don’t we? Well, in my boredom and with no real prospect of being propositioned in the near future, I decided to research that. My simple question? Will being an actor get me laid? Failing that, should I try something else? The answer is…try something else. It seems, according to one credible research foundation that published their research on the Internet, acting is not among the top 17 professions guaranteed to get you laid. Nor is road-building Barry. Instead the top 17 in order are:

1. Architect: Build me something as good-looking as you.
2. Glassblower: Really any job with blow in the title will do.
3. Firefighter: Drool over their calendars with us.
4. Doctor: Everyone wants some sexual healing ... especially if you’re a freelance blogger without health insurance.
5. Celebrity: Pick a groupie, any groupie.
6. Librarian: But you only stack up if you’re hot.
7. High-Ranking Soldier: Lookin’ so fine in that tight, fancy uniform.
8. Porn Star: Your job is to get laid.
9. Model (Preferably Underwear Or Bikini): You’re a professional hottie who can make us buy whatever you’re selling.
10. Hotel Concierge: You’ve got the keys to everybody’s room/heart.
11. Photographer: You can compliment and direct your subject til they take off their all clothes. Yes, yes, make love to the camera!
12. Bartender: You’re surrounded by drunk singles looking to mingle.
13. Musician/DJ: You can play peeps like you do tunes.
14. Personal Trainer: Let’s get physical.
15. Delivery Boy: Or girl, they come to you. This sadly does not apply to stanky messengers who run around all day.
16. Pilot/Flight Attendant: That jaunty cap, the mile-high club, man, there are just so many reasons we want to fly the extra-friendly skies.
17. Furniture Craftsman: They’ll give you more than one thing to sit on.

A good actor may be a celebrity (5) but that is as close as we come. Or don’t. So it appears that I fail both as an actor and as a lover. What is even more dispiriting in my quest to get laid is that “writer” doesn’t appear on the list either, which makes writing Fryday each Friday something of a pointless exercise, doesn’t it? But I won’t stop—in my next Fryday I’ll reveal the top 17 jobs guaranteed not to get you laid. I have an awful feeling council worker may be among them. Are you ready for that Barry?