Letter to Larry

The Democratic Republic of Wogistan (Inc.)

Office of the Foreign Secretary

123 Bruce Springsteen Boulevard (third door on right). Telephone: 125.

Mr Lary Allison

Oracles Boat Builders

San Francisco

United States of America

Dear Mr Allison

The Democratic Republic of Wogistans peoples send warm congratulations to Mr Allison and his peoples as to winnings of Americas Cup against New Zealand. We not like New Zealand. They to big for their boats and do not replies to letters.

The Wogistan navy now stands ready to take cup.  Flagship Presidente Yoseh Flagrantlie very big boat and very fast. Third oarman was in Olympics. When put sail up go even faster. Comes with own starting gun. You no match for Wogistan Navy.  Your James Sputall not match for Captain Presidente Yoseh Flaglantelie (all grace to He on high).

We send navy when hole repaired. Please send moneys to make happen.

With sincere facilitations,

Yoseph xxx

Yoseph Wankerstan

Foreign Secretary The Democratic Republic of Wogistan (Inc.)

Proprietor Spartacus Male Gym and Bathouse.

De Profundis

Win or lose at conclusion it can now be said that the America’s Cup racing and the performance of Emirates Team New Zealand are nothing short of sublime. The first seven races have made for riveting viewing and been great fun to watch, if a little anxiously at times. It would be churlish, I think, to be critical of the regatta. However, some are. And that’s not unexpected. The hoary old criticisms of the America’s Cup being a rich man’s sport and disgraceful use of taxpayers’ funds are again being trotted out. To me, that’s fine. People are allowed their opinion and no doubt in their opinion they are heart-felt opinions. But they are not new nor are they profound. They have been around for every regatta in which Team New Zealand has competed. Is that a problem? Not really. To me it’s just annoying that these critics make these statements with a certain smugness that they are saying something profound. There is nothing profound about them.  In fact if this regatta is lacking anything it is just that…profundity. For example, Martin Tasker’s repeated (five times) exclamation in race two that “we have a boat race.” That, I would have thought self-evident. What I think he meant to say was that we had a real competition on the water. Which we had. But he didn’t. And then there are the equally evident “it’s early days yet” and “we have a long way to go.” I can’t argue that these statements aren’t intended to manage expectations or they aren’t accurate. But we all know that the regatta has a long way to go (less now) before Dean Barker can hold the Auld Mug aloft, so it is vaguely patronising to be told so…repeatedly. But none of this and none of the critics should or will tarnish what is an exciting event and time for New Zealand. And there is the crux of this Fryday. If you are going to moan and groan about The America’s Cup go for it. Just accept that there is a lot to enjoy, to celebrate and to be proud of what is going on here and in San Francisco.  And that is exactly what most of the rest of us are doing.

Dollars and sense

Have you a spare million dollars? Good, I need it. Leave it in your letterbox and I will come and fetch it. I promise you it will be used judiciously if a little imprudently. It will, at least, be better spent on me than on this:
http://www.trademe.co.nz/Browse/Listing.aspx?id=344096961.
I can’t quite make this out—here is a guy on TradeMe asking one million dollars for a pair of “original” personalised plates celebrating New Zealand’s victory in the 1995 America’s Cup. I can understand his asking for that—you are free to ask what you want on TradeMe and I could ask that for a set of my toe clippings—but who would pay $1,000,000 for a pair of plates? That, I can’t understand.
To add insult to usury the seller goes on to suggest: “…if you are having difficulties in buying the perfect gift, then why not consider these plates?” Yeah, right; I can think of a number of you who will welcome this chance to buy me a million dollar gift (did I tell you it is my 60th Monday week?). But not this one please; I don’t want to spend the next 60 years publically proclaimed as a wanker for having such pricey plates on Pricilla (my car).
At time of writing, nobody has made a bid. Shock, horror. But if you are interested, a wanker, have no sense and no interest in giving me your spare million, the auction has 30 minutes to run.
Good luck.

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