Dear God: The Trump Years i

23 December 2016

Prairie Chapel Ranch
Crawford
Texas
U.S.A.

G,

How long has it been since we chewed the fat? Too long, I reckoning. But this is how it is God—I have been busy. You know how it is, it is one thing to find God but sometimes you have to go away, count the stock and not let Him find you. So I let things settle for a while. Let you do your thing and kept my suggestions and advice to myself. Not that I think you did much wrong in that time. In fact in the beginning Laura and I reckoned you did real well in fact. Bit too much rope there for President Obama maybe but hey look at the shoes he had to fill!!! So you kept him on a loose lasso. Nothing wrong with that. But you kinda came unstuck there at the end didn’t you? Now I am not telling you how to do your job God, but you have to understand what politics is about in the United States and clearly you don’t have a fat buffalos turd of an idea of what goes on in our neck of the woods. You see, I don’t know how you run things up there, but this is how it is done down here. Think of it as a ranch. We only profit if we got good breeding stock. Big peckers. That’s what we look for in a President. You could look no further than Daddy and me for examples. We had the peckers. We had the breeding. Prime stock. And if you hadn’t got it wrong we would have had another Bush, Brother Jeb, in the White House. But, no you had to somehow persuade Donald Trump to throw his Stetson into the ring. What was you thinking? The man has got no class. He is rattier than gopher on heat. He ain't fit to walk in the footsteps of great Presidents like myself. And it is not me that is saying that, it is all my friends. They both agree that the world had gone downhill since my presidency and now we have reached the bottom of the gulch. You know that story you wrote up in the old testament about the burning of the bush? Well, that just the sure as heck is what you just done. You have burnt up my legacy. All the good things I did for the greatest country in the world, you are about to turn to bbq fodder. The Father, the Son and the Holy Toast! Now, I am not bitching at ya here. Laura reminds me of the old saying That God Moves in Mysterious Ways. And I can understand that you have your reasons for some of the things you done, tho you haven’t yet explained to me the Kardashians. But Donald Trump????? There was a time when you would have run that past me first. I guess we are not talking much these days. Maybe I will write to you again. I don’t know. All I can say is that right now, at this point of time, God, I am disappointed in you.

One day at a time,
GWB (President).
 

Palin into insignificance

Surprise, surprise! Sarah Palin is no longer running for the American presidency. She said her decision not to run was made only after “much prayer and serious consideration.” Instead, she said, she and her husband Todd would “devote (themselves) to God, family and country.” Interesting that remark, given it is exactly what President George W. Bush did, and in exactly the same order, for two terms as President. He managed. Kind of. Methinks her decision was rather less divine than a dawning realisation that her current campaign has little traction with American voters outside of the Bible Belt and still less with Grand Old Party powerbrokers of the Beltway. It might also have more to do with Palin signing up a number of lucrative TV deals, writing two books, and setting up a successful fund-raising outfit. Or maybe I am wrong. Maybe she is just doing what God told her. After all who are we to question the honesty and sincerity of a politician? And who are we to doubt the power of God—the IRB is everywhere these days.

Naked Opaque

You have no doubt heard someone described as having penetrating eyes. It seems a favourite phrase of trash novels and women’s magazines. I am yet to meet anyone with truly penetrating eyes. The closest is Helen Clark, whose eyes are so cold they have the penetrative effect of ice cream on sensitive teeth. But that’s not quite the same as the novelists’ declaratory intent. Some people are also, we are told, gifted with the ability to see right through us. We are on more sure ground here—I for one am easy to see through I am told. Anyone can do it, which makes it particularly difficult for me in my profession as a spin-doctor and is probably why I may occasionally go a little over the top on the enigmatic bit; which is all a facade—you see through that, don’t you? But there are some among us who are less penetrating than grating and the reason is: they are so superficial as to be transparent. One such is Rodney Hide—naked ambition without the brains to pull it off. Another is Hone Harawira—on the make and out for the take. “Bishop” Brian Tamaki is an obvious example and no amount of protestations to the contrary will convince me that he is anything but a two-bit opportunist. His henchman, Richard Lewis, is worse but somehow more honest in his deviousness. And it is that honesty that can, somewhat paradoxically, make someone more opaque. Take John Key—I think Mr Key is basically honest (still) so it is hard to work out why he is doing the job he is now doing and what his ambitions are. George W. Bush is another. Bush, despite all that was written about him, is basically honest—he doesn’t have the skill or the intellect to be anything but. The more we saw through him, the more we were forced to ask what the f**k is he all about? You get the point? Naked opaque. Perhaps it is the profession I am in but the honest among us make me uncomfortable. Go away.

The 2009 Hamilton List

Regular readers are aware that Fryday publishes the annual Hamilton Books List. This is a list of books currently in Hamilton public libraries, which, for the reasons specified, have drawn some distinction. Fryday is indebted to the Hamilton Public Libraries service for the 2009 list.

• Most Stolen Book: Oily Rag—Living for next to nothing in Hamilton.
• Most Despised Book: Next to Nothing—An Aucklander’s view of Hamilton.
• Most Popular Book: (still) The Cowma Sutra—Discourses on Bovine Love.
• Thinnest Book: Hamilton Alive!—The Colour & Vibrancy of Hamilton.
• Thickest Book: God’s Own—The Religious Influence in Hamilton Councils.
• Most Popular Art Book—The Da Vinci Code.
• Quickest Read: The Influencers—Hamiltonians Who Have Made a Difference.
• Most Requested Book: Field of Dreams—A Photographic Essay of Sheep in Their Natural Habitat.
• Least Requested Book: Banking on it—John Banks and the Greater Auckland.
• Most Acclaimed Reference Book: A Higher Standard--Aerial Top-Dressing in the Waikato.
• Most Popular Autobiography: (Equal First) Hard to Swallow by Bill Clinton and First Love—Only a Cattleman Understands by George W. Bush (as told to Bess T. Ality).
• Most Repeatedly Taken Out: The Compulsive Obsessive—A Manual.
• Most Acclaimed Sports Book: Knot in This Life—How to Tie Good Knots.
• How To Drive Books: (Tie) The New Zealand Road Code and Dukes of Hazard—The Early Years.
• Religious Doctrines: (Tie) The Bible and Straight Furrow.
• Most Popular DVD(s): None—no demand.
• Most Popular VHS Videos: Country Calendar.
• Most Popular Computer Book: About Your Amstrad.
• Most Popular in Library: (By Public Survey, and still!) Calendar Girls—Taking Stock, The Best of Country Calendar.