Letter from North Korea

From time to time I receive correspondence from a friend whom I have known for more than a quarter of a century. Phyllis J. Fenwick (Miss) is 86 years old and, if what she tells me is true, has lead an extraordinary life. She continues to lead that life with her one all-embracing interest being her perpetual quest to find the ancestral breeding grounds of the fabled Devonport Guppy. That quest has taken her over the world and when she is overseas her usual means of correspondence with me and her other friends is Facebook, with which she is quite adroit. Currently, Phyllis in in North Korea, apparently at the personal invitation of President Kim Jong-un. Internet coverage isn’t great in North Korea, but Phyllis managed to post the following on Facebook and I thought I would share it with you. One final note: Nothing in Phyllis’s life is meant to be taken seriously and nothing is as it seems. Have an enjoyable Labour weekend.

My Dear Facebook Friends
Many of you have been writing to me asking where I am and why you have not heard from me in such a long time. Your concern for me is vey kind and I am most touched. Let me assure you I am well, but—alas, I am still waiting in Pyongang for my meeting with young President Kim Jong-un.
I have been given many excuses as to why he cannot see me and I am extremely gratified that such a busy young man is taking the time and the courtesy to keep in touch. However one wonders how one man can cram so much into such a young life. On one day, I am told, he is finding (and indeed has found) a cure for cancer. On another day, again I am told, he has succeeded in inventing a nuclear powered moped for the masses. And amidst all this I am informed he has found time to personally deliver no fewer than 20 babies at Pyongyang’s Maternity Hospital.
I am told that, more than anything else, Kim Jong-un likes making babies.
However, it remains frustrating for me not to be able see him. I even at one point suggested to one of his aids that President Kim might like to make a baby with me, but I have not heard back
So, with nothing much else to occupy my mind, I spend much of my time reading or watching television programmes. Most of the programmes are political broadcasts, though there is the odd cooking show (Kim Cooks and Kim’s Kitchen Rules among them) but there are one or two surprises such as Gilligan’s Island and The Brady Bunch, which I understand to be the President’s favourites. There is also something that looks like a North Korean version of Game of Thrones, with President Kim playing all the roles except those who die—it appears those roles are played by some of his ministers and army officers, and their death scenes are very realistic indeed!
No word on the Devonport Guppy yet. A fish was brought to me the other day for examination, but it proved nothing more than entrails from the Game of Thrones set (I am told) and was mistakenly used as a fish dish in one of Kim’s cooking programmes. I fear for the producer if Kim Jong-un hears of the mistake. He is such a perfectionist and the producer might even get a very sharp talking to.
No such harsh words between me and my very dear young friend Elizabeth, back in New Zealand. It is her birthday on Friday and I am so distraught that I shall not be back in time to share in the celebration.
However, my wish for you Elizabeth is that you have a lovely day spent among good friends who love you as I do.
And for the rest of my Facebook friends with whom I am blest have a wonderful day.
Your friend,
Phyllis.
xx

Letter from Somalia (2)

Dear Frydaygroup Friends
Wonderful, wonderful news. I am quite overcome with excitement and cannot wait to share that excitement with you.
But first I must bring you up to date with what happened since we last corresponded. You will remember that on that occasion I was in the midst of Somalia at night watching distant lights approach our grounded plane. My new-found lady friend opined that they may be the lights of bandits or pirates whom I believe are quite prevalent in these parts. We were cautioned into silence. I am happy to be able to tell you now that our caution was unwarranted. The lights belonged to a convoy of Christian missionaries, which my friend thought just as bad. But when they finally arrived at the plane, I found them quite delightful and very much helpful. They kept saying they wanted to save us, though I know not from what. Our plane was by now fully repaired (as subsequent events so proved) but they seemed to be very persistent. It was only when I began my recitation on the breeding habits of the Devonport Guppy that they thought to leave and our plane could take off.
It was a delightful interlude, but there were no other events before our arrival at Bosasa two days later. And here we arrive at my wonderful news. Who should I see here in Bosasa but none other than my erstwhile brother-in-law Prince Mongatabo, brother of my late husband King Abundo. What excitement! He recognised me immediately! But what would bring Mongatabo all the way from Nigeria to Somalia? Well, it appears that he has some sort of role with the Somali Navy, and I shall tell you more of that in a moment. Most exciting of all is that he already has many friends in New Zealand! Many of whom, he says, started as investors in his Nigerian businesses whom he met by email. By email, can you imagine! It is a small world. He asked me how many friends I had in New Zealand and I told him about all my Frydaygroup friends and he says he will write to you all so that he can be your friend too. It will be lovely.
Now for my other good news and one that has much to do with my guppy hunt. I am to be taken to sea tomorrow for an off-shore search. And I have Mongatabo to thank for it. You see, I said he had something to do with the Somali Navy. I do not know that for sure, but I do know that he introduced me to twelve or so friends of his whose job is to go to sea in their small boats and help guide big ships through Somali waters, and they have offered to take me along when they go out tomorrow. They are heavily armed. But, as Mongatabo says, so is everybody else and these men need protection from sharks and crocodiles and such like. From what I have heard, said I, we might add pirates to our list of hazards. Mongatabo simple smiled (he has a lovely smile) and said pirates wouldn’t be a problem. I cannot wait, I am quite in a tis as you can imagine.
So, from Somalia and soon to sea, bless you my friends.
Much love,
Phyllis.

Yours truly,

Phyllis J. Fenwick (Miss).

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