Water water everywhere

In which I save the Council from an ill-conceived and premature ejaculation.

In the area in which I live we have had a prolonged period of dry weather. I wouldn’t call it a drought, I am not even sure I know the definition of drought, but for those of us who rely on rain to fill our tanks it was pretty dire.

However, today and for a couple of days last week we it rained. This weekend that rain is forecast to continue and may even, we are warned, be heavy to severe.

Cumulatively, the bouts of rain should be enough to replenish our tanks and obviate the need and expense of having them filled by a water contractor.

That is a relief because the local council warned in a media release this month that it would refuse water contractors access to the council’s water treatment plants if the dry conditions persisted.

Which begs the question: where were we who are not on town supply going to get our water if the council decided to impose that restriction?

We could of course buy bottled water for drinking purposes, but bathing and showering would be problematic and using it for washing would be expensive.

But, no matter—water has arrived, the problem is gone and the council (and we) won’t have to suffer from its ill-conceived and possibly premature ejaculation.

As for me, a glass-half-full kind of guy who always looks on the bright side of life, both my glass and my tank runneth over, as I knew would happen…the day I ordered a tanker-load delivered.

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Love is all around

Probably the only people truly to have misgivings about St Valentine’s Day were the seven members and associates of the North Side gang for whom St Valentine’s Day 1929 was their last day.

For the rest of us it comes and goes each year and it is over to each of us to decide whether or not we observe it. Usually, I don’t. 

If I were a romantic, I would explain that away by suggesting that, for me, romance is a daily infusion and I see no reason to confine it to a single day. More cynically I could state that I have plenty of other things on which to spend my time and money than an homage to a long-dead martyr who couldn’t get his act together.

Besides, I still have memories of a few years back trying to explain to my wife why I received three anonymous valentine’s cards, none of which came from her.

But if Valentine’s Day is your thing, don’t let me persuade you differently. I am at best ambivalent about it, but I can understand why others would take the opportunity to express their love. Al Capone certainly used the day to tell the North Side gang what he thought of them.

What is remarkable is how widespread Valentine’s Day is, even in non-Christian countries. Among them Japan, Iraq, Philippines and India. In that regard it could be said that an obscure third-century priest from Rome has been more universally accepted than Jesus.

Or is it just that there is a greater acceptance of Paul McCartney’s edict that “All You Need Is Love.” Fortunately, there is a lot of it around.

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Trump's first draft State of the Union Address

We are not at liberty to say how, but Fryday has acquired what is believed to be an early draft of President Trump’s 2019 State of the Union address. We cannot vouch for authenticity, but it appears to be in his hand-writing and the frequent spelling errors, which for the sake of context we have not corrected, suggest it is his work alone.

Draft State of the Union Addres 2019

By

Donald J. Trump

President of the United States of America.

My fellow Americans

I stand before both houses today…

No, I don’t need an introduction, Nancy. Everybody knows me.

I am very famous. Yes, I am.

My fellow Americans. I stand before you today as your President not just of these great United States of ours. But of the free world.

(WAIT FOR APPLAUSE)

In less than three short years I have become the most respected President the world has ever known…ever.

I have brought peace to the world by putting those who would threaten America on notice that fire will rain down on them.

A fire like they have never seen before.

I have spent more on the defence of our great country than any President in history.

I have given the brave men and women of our armed services the great resolve and weapons that have made us the greatest power the world has known.

Yes, we are. Great, isn’t it?

It is

Europe, Canada, Mexico-they cannot longer be in any doubt that America will act and act decisively if we are threatened.

And I have told our friends that they no longer have anything to fear from us. Russia and North Korea know that America is bringing the world into a great error of peace.

The greatest error of peace the world has known. Yes, it is.

(APPLAUSE AGAIN)

The American economy and American jobs are the best they have ever been.

I have created 1.5 million new jobs. Yes, I have. Great, isn’t it? Yes, it is.

I have brought the car industry back to America.

(APPLUSE)

We are producing more televisions sets than ever.

(APPLAUSE)

Reality television which, let’s face it, I created—is thriving.

(WAIT FOR RAPTUOUS APPLAUSE)

I have transformed our environment.

I am told that for the first time in years the wholly mamoth has returned to Alaska.

The world is getting warmer so that we can spend more time on the golf course.

I have drained the swamp here in Washington and that has made Washington a lot healthyer for everybody.

I am told that Washington has never been so safe since the White House was occupied by our first President, Andrew Jackson.

(GIVE A SALUTE)

And by the way, here in the United States, the women are getting prettier by the day.

Yes, they are.
Beautiful.

None of which would be possible without strong, decisive leadership and the support of the great American people. 
TOGETHER WE HAVE MADE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN.

(HOLD UP HAND AFTER FIVE MUNTES TO END APPLAUSE)

Yes, we have.

It’s true.

But even a great President like me and with the great American people fully behind him could not have achieved what I have achieved without the support of a woman. America is hugely grateful, I can tell you, to that woman—my daughter Ivanka.

(APPLAUSE)

She’s great, isn’t she?

Yes, she is.

Beautiful.

Sit down, darling.

To my Vice-President Mike Pence. Thank you, Mike—you make me look good.

Great, isn’t he?

(DON’T WAIT)

Last of all, I want to thank the news media.

Your fake news, your lies, your bimbo newsreaders are why you are failing.

CNN viewership has fallen by 68%.

The Washington Post’s circulation is the lowest its been since 1803.

The New Your Times is about to go bankrupt. Yes, it is.

Yet through you’re lies you have shown the American people that the only credable news outlets are Fox and Twitter.

Yes, you have.

My fellow Americans… I stand before you a humble President—the most humble President America has ever had.

God bless you.

And God bless Russia….America.

Delivery time without applause: 10 minutes.

Delivery time with applause: 58 minutes (est).

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Trump--The God Dialogues

Trump Annex

Office of The President of the United States of America.

1600 Pennsylvania Ave NW, Washington, DC 20500, USA

Telephone: You’re Crazy, right? Twitter: #millionsofpeopleloveme.

2/7/2019

Dear God

I look good, very very good. And all the fake media who said I could never look presidential have got to eat their fake worrds.

Did you see my State of the Union Address? I am told that it was the greatest State of the Union Address ever. Millions watched it and I got a standing ovation that lasted a lot longer than any State of the Union address in the history of our great country.

Did you see all those women in white who gave me the longest ovation of all? I expect a lot from women but didn’t expect that!  Unless I have them in bed, they are usually about as expressive as Mike Pence’s face.

Did you see Mike Pence—God, I LOOK GOOD.

Donald J. Trump

Best President of the United States of America.

PS: Have you opened that Twitter account yet. You really should—reach a lot lot more people that way.

Fake news and how to fake it

Donald Trump and his spokespeople have been responsible for adding some indelible phrases to our lexicon. Two of the more famous, or infamous, are fake news and alternative facts.

Both illustrate that Mr Trump has a grasp of language, its utilisation and its populist effect. However, whilst he has mastered the use of language he has not yet—and never will—master the language itself.

Examples of that are the spelling mistakes, the grammar errors and the prolific use of redundancies such as “very”—something or somebody is either smart or not smart; very smart is an unnecessary inflection that portrays and betrays a person prone to oversell.

However, those are nuances that a large part of Trump’s constituency neither know nor care about. The bluff and bluster of a typical Trump speech is what they want to hear and if truth and facts are not invited guests at that particular feast we hardly note their absence. Trump knows that and knows his audience doesn’t care. He can say what he likes, and he knows he will get away with it.

But that is content not delivery. Trump’s verbiage, if subjected to a scrutiny beyond the capability of the MAGA brigade, shows a man who has lost control of that most precious of commodities—language.
Listen to him closely: his speeches, most often unscripted, are closer to rants than measured discourse. Words pour from him like a waterfall—unchecked, unmodulated and—although at least going in the same direction—uncontrolled.

I believe Trump does not know what he is saying while he is saying it and having said it has no recall of what he said.

You may disagree. You may say he is a (very) clever man—a master manipulator.

No, he isn’t.

I spent fifty years in advertising; I have worked with politicians for much of my life and I have a nerdy passion for great speeches. I know master manipulators.

Trump is not one, believe me.

Trump is dumb. Genuinely dumb.

Trump in whatever he portrays, or is perceived as, is faking it.

He is his own fake news.

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