Walmington-on-Sea Gazette

From Dad's Army Programme

It’s War! Great Britain and France at War With Nazi Hun  I Defy Mr Hitler: Church Fete Will Go On—Vicar  Jones The Butcher War Special: Pork 2p a pound.

Great Britain is at war with Germany. Prime Minister Mr Chamberlain has declared war on Germany following that nation’s invasion of Poland. It is expected that the nations of the Empire shall follow suit.
In Walmington-on-Sea, Mayor Bertram Fosdick declared the town ready to stand shoulder-to-shoulder with King and Commonwealth in defence of the country.
“We shall not be found wanting,” he declared. “This is a time for all good men to stand steadfast in face of the enemy.
“I intend phoning Mr Hitler and telling him he will get a bloody nose if he shows his face in Walmington-on-Sea,” said Mr Fosdick.
Meanwhile our Vicar, Reverend Timothy Farthing, says he won’t be deterred by the announcement of war. “I think this Mr Hitler person is a very rough fellow and I will not be bullied by him,” promises the brave Vicar. “The church fete will go on this Saturday as planned. And once again Mrs Fox’s giant melons will be a sight to behold. I can’t wait to get my hands on them.”
In other reaction, Walmington-on-Sea bank manager Mr George Mainwaring says he will be raising a Walmington-on-Sea Home Guard platoon. He is calling on all men to rally around the flag. “We have good British stock in our town,” says Mr Mainwaring and the sight of them standing shoulder to shoulder exposing their weapons will not be one this Hitler chap will want to see in a hurry.

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Lady Hamilton

Let’s set the record straight.
Hamilton is vivacious, classy, cultured and aesthetically perfect.
Compared to Mongolia.
Just.
Did you know that Hamilton has a Facebook page? Yes, it has. You can find it here: http://www.facebook.com/HamiltonNewZealand.
There is a curious paradox here: whilst Hamilton is hardly worth a visit (why contend with the escaping traffic?) its Facebook page certainly is. How else would you know that “If your (sic) looking for affordable & professional beauty therapy in Hamilton goto The Wax Pot Beauty & Spa on 18 Claudelands Rd! Best Brazilians & Spray Tanning in Hamilton!” or “Hamilton is New Zealand's largest inland city, situated on the banks of the Waikato River, (the country's longest river).” Wow!
But some people do love Hamilton. One such appears on Hamilton’s Facebook home page (go there if you don’t believe me). Lisa Alica says of Hamilton, “I LOVE Hamilton !!! X O X O X.” Then again Lisa on her own Facebook (http://www.facebook.com/SoftLisa) also expresses an interest in Aliens, UFOs, extraterrestrials and, interestingly, something called CloneMike. And as well as the Hamilton page she also subscribes to the following: Semir Sam Osmanagich (discoverer of the Bosnian pyramids) , David L. Powell III , Alif 1 EBOO S.A.F.E. , Medical Ozone Therapy , 1,000,000 Strong Against Offshore Drilling , Recuirculatory Haemoperfusion RHP , Dr. Duke's Wild Ride , Bonaparte Lake Resort , Erich von Däniken's Official Fan Page , I Know What I Saw , NorthWest Music Scene , AmKon Dot Net , Stone Circle Video LLC and Jesus Daily . And this is Lisa. I rest my case.
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If butter wouldn't melt

 
"Princess" Laila.

Shane Jones and the second coming

I am tempted to comment on Shane Jones but unlike Mr Jones and before him Mr Wilde I can resist temptation. So let’s look to other, lesser, matters such as the Rugby World Cup. Are you over it yet? I am. The hysterical and statistical hype that surrounds this event puts it in the league of the second coming and I guess for many die-hard rugby fans it is, though for them league is an anathema with which they refuse to be associated. Having said that they all reside in the South Island so we can equally easily disassociate with them. For the rest of us, in the north, who have actual lives, the rugby would cup (and I commit here the capital crime of refusing to attribute capitals) is a parasitic boor garnering more attention than it deserves or will eventually realise. But it has curious paradoxes. For example, the Japanese team was training here in Rodney last week. Curiously, it had few Japanese. Clearly, they have a quota of “whities”. I am also reliably informed that they will when they return next year bring the sixth largest contingent of fans of any team in the competition—some 4500 fans. Strange. The teams above them must be bringing a massive number of fans if the Prime Minister’s prediction of 85,000 fans “at a minimum” is to be reached. Still, if Mr Key is correct in his prediction we can all expect to benefit economically and none will anticipate that more keenly, I feel, than the owners of hotel porn channels who must now be wondering where their future lies now that Mr Jones has his card taken from him.

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Condom in Court

A sexual abuse trial was aborted after a juror revealed he became aroused while listening to evidence from the alleged victims.
NZ Herald: 3 June 2010.

This is the case of sexual abuse of two young females, heard in Auckland. The elderly juror confided to another juror that he was being aroused but was “controlling it” by wearing a condom in court. I sincerely hope he was wearing something else as well.
Lawyers say the episode was unusual but not unknown and this was yet another reason to have sexual abuse cases heard by judges only. Well, I am incredibly relieved to learn that judges cannot get sexually aroused. I am not sure why I am relieved but it is oddly comforting that our judiciary is not prone to precipitate or even sluggish ejaculation. Clearly, they have it in hand. Or not.

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Rogeting the Mother-in-Law

Right now it is raining, a state of play extant through the night. That is good because here in the north the region generally and farmers specifically need to recover from a prolonged drought. At least I heard it described in the media as a prolonged drought. I would have thought that any drought, by the nature of droughts, is prolonged and to call one as such is a tautology. Or am I wrong? I wanted to find out. So, as is my wont (I am a sad case), I looked up prolonged in the dictionary. Right next to an advertisement telling me that I too could lose 20 kgs in 4 weeks my on-line dictionary defines prolonged as relatively long in duration and protracted. Fair enough, except relative to what? So I am right and to my mind prolonged drought is a tautology. It is also in terms of the verb, prolong, suggestive of someone committing an intent—which in the case of a drought is patently wrong. Delving further into the vexatious word I found in the accompanying on-line thesaurus several alternative words and phrases that mean much the same thing as prolonged. Among the phrases are “tediously protracted” (again fair enough) and then this: “A lengthy visit from a mother-in-law.” What? Mother-in-law jokes? Has the good Roget developed a sense of humour? Surely not. I could delve into this further but I fear I have prolonged this Fryday long enough. Have a good weekend.

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NZRU apologises to Maori players
14/05/2010 6:08:02

Maori players receive apology from NZRU and SARU for being excluded from tours to South Africa during the apartheid era...


The knock on the door was not unexpected…
ME: Hello Whetu.
HE: Kia ora bro.
HE: Youse fellas enjoying Helensville?
ME: Very much so. Nice town.
HE: Wes fellas own some of it, you know.
ME: Wes…we know. Is that it? Is this a shakedown on the house?
HE: Hey bro…you think I would do that to you. You like a cuzzie to me. You whanau. We known each other since we were tamariki.
ME: What is it then?
HE: I want an apology.
ME: An apology?
HE: Yep.
ME: What for?
HE: For stopping me getting in the 1962 Under 12 Canterbury Rugby League team.
ME: I did?
HE: Youse did.
ME: How did I do that?
HE: Your dad was the selector and he didn’t pick me.
ME: And that is my fault how?
HE: The sims of the father.
ME: Sins.
HE: What?
ME: Sins of the father.
HE: Whatever. Anyway, I want an apology.
ME: I apologise.
HE: You do?
ME: I do. That it?
HE: Ah…nope.
ME: What then?
HE: I want some food as well.
ME: What kind of food?
HE: You.
ME: Me? You want to eat me?
HE: It’s a joke bro.
ME: A joke?
HE: Jeeze, you white fellas can’t take a joke, can you?


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A Game of Three Halves

Tonight New Zealand plays Australia in the ANZAC Day rugby league test. Most Kiwis hope for the best and expect the worst. The New Zealand team appears to be too young, too inexperienced and too light to compete with a star-studded Aussie side hunting for State of Origin places. But it should be a good game and I shall be watching. Pity it’s not actually on ANZAC Day though. It used to be and that showed a great deal of sensitivity by Australasian rugby league as well being a good marketing ploy of course—neither of which could be comprehended by the omnipresent but moribund rugby code. But here is a thought: why not play all three major codes—rugby league, rugby and cricket—on the same day, ANZAC Day? You could play a league test in Sydney at 2.00, rugby in Melbourne at 4.00 and a 20/20 cricket match in Brisbane at 7.00. Indeed, with all the facilities Australian have you could play all three games in the same city with the same set of spectators travelling to each venue and the Australian television networks competing for rights.
Of course we would probably still lose all three matches to the Aussies. And I now come to my point--to my way of thinking it is not the games, nor even the losing—it is the captains’ post match speeches that most differentiates the codes. Based on speeches of old here’s how I see them going:
Benjie Marshall (Rugby League)
Well, mate the boys are pretty battered and bruised. I thought we were right in it for the first half mate, but you can’t afford to give the Aussies any space out wide and if you do mate you can expect Lockyer and the boys to take it to yer. League’s a game of possession mate and we just didn’t get up for it today mate.
Richie McCaw (Rugby)
Fairly shattered, to be honest. I thought if we could control it there in the tight we would be in there with a chance. But all credit to the Australians they dug deep and at the end of the day were a better side on the day.
Daniel Vettori (Cricket)
Disappointed to be honest. Our top order didn’t do enough and that put pressure on our lower order. We’ll put that game behind us. Regroup and look to next year. No, I don’t see any selection changes—I’ll probably still trot out the same clichés I do every speech.

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I Tuku I Take it

Tuku Morgan is looking happy these days, isn’t he? Gone are the ball-dancing boxer-undie look of his days with Aotearoa Television Network, which somewhat belied his earlier incarnation as one of the Tight Five.
Today, he is looking positively beaming. He may have lost his reputed $18,000 a month with the network (and the network itself) but Tuku’s creed and greed to live by—there’s always more where that came from—certainly holds true.
Mr Morgan has screwed yet another deal out of the government. Tainui’s 1992 Man of the Year certainly does it well, and repeatedly. The Waikato Deed of Ownership Settlement is only the most recent of a long list of Tainui “settlements”: though you won’t find that on the Tainui website nor interestingly on Parliament’s own settlement process page which hasn’t been updated since 2006. So Tuku “Take It” Morgan is doing a good job for his people; you will forgive me however if I state that he does nothing for me. The home page of the Tainui site quotes this ancient Maori saying “Maaku anoo e hanga tooku nei whare (I shall fashion my own house)”. These days Tuku might well add, “…with Government money.”

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It's all in the water

I am intrigued by a story coming out of Gisborne. One has to be—by ANY story coming out of Gisborne.
Anyway, it seems police caught and charged a man called Richard Carlson for possession of cannabis while he was fleeing the coast during a tsunami warning. Carlson was found with nearly eight kilograms of the drug in his car. The cannabis was—the police admitted—of poor quality (did they smoke it?), there was no evidence of Carlson selling the stuff, he had no criminal record and he and his wife were in fact pillars of the community. But he done wrong and he got caught. Richard Carlson, 57, was sentenced to 12 months home detention for his crime.
Fair enough.
But what intrigued me about this story was not that, it was this: Carlson was stopped and caught by police because they spotted a broken tail light on his car and pulled him over.
Let’s pause for reflection…
· There is a tsunami warning
· People acting on instructions are moving from the coast
· Police are stopping people for broken taillights?
In sentencing Carlson, Judge Tony Adeane said, "These facts, with respect, could only happen on the East Coast.”
They (the facts) lay "between irony and farce", said the judge.
He is right.

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Law & Disorder

It’s a fine line between law and disorder. There are cops who could be criminals and criminals who could be cops. Certainly there are those who are both. But we hear from several sources that New Zealand has one of the least corruptible police forces in the world. I can accept that. I have met many cops over the last few years, from Commissioner Howard Broad to my local community constable and all I have found to be very dedicated and, to the best of my knowledge, honest. And they are efficient, as I found from their quick recovery of our stolen goods a few weeks back. Incidentally, the crime resolution rate in Rodney where I live is just over 50%, which I find acceptable. So, I think we have a good police force here in New Zealand; the best that money can’t buy. But there is one person, no longer serving but a former constable in west Rodney, of whom I want to make special mention. I first met Anna Crane in a public meeting in which she exhibited the slightly sour demeanour that “police representatives” always seem to adopt at such meetings. I don’t know why they are like that. I don’t expect to be in the presence of the Laughing Policeman, but joviality is surely not beyond attainment. Anyway, that was Anna then and I am talking about Anna now. Anna now works for the local council where she continues to serve the public but adds to her role de facto liaison between council and police. She is also my go-to person when, as often happens, I have to get a message or request through to police without going through more formal channels. Each time I have dealt with Anna I have found her cooperative, informative and friendly. I have also found that she remains in touch with the community and despite what she may have seen as a serving officer demonstrably retains a belief in the inherent good of that community. Anna is also a mother and I assume a wife. She has a family, a life and most important: these days, a smile. No doubt some will regale Fryday with stories of bad cops and that is fair enough. But here on this day and in my own little way I want to acknowledge a good cop, as she was and a bloody nice person as she is.

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