Media have big buts

I am not sure why our fearless media have to qualify any statement, the least bit provocative, with a prefix such as “Nobody condones violence against women…” or “Few would argue that porn is a menace to the community…”.

When a story starts that way, it is usually followed by a but—a big but. It is like the writer finds the need to recuse himself from the story before he writes it. Or, even more common, the interviewer who distances himself from the question he is about to ask by starting with “What do you say to people who say…” I say, just ask the damn question!

That said, I am going to plead guilty to doing the same with the following…

Nobody condones violence against animals, BUT isn’t the call by animal rights groups (NZ Herald today) to have CCTV in milking sheds over the top?

Yes, there is one person charged with maltreating cows while milking and, yes, the evidence is supplied by CCTV footage of his actions. But, do we really need CCTV in every cowshed because of the actions of this one man?

Federated Farmers dairy chairman Chris Lewis said in the same Herald story that a lot of work with animals happened outside the milking shed and it would be impossible to have cameras over the whole farm to keep an eye on staff. CCTV would be snooping on staff and would create paranoia he said.

Ministry for Primary Industries acting director of compliance services Gary Orr said MPI had no legal authority to put cameras on farms for breaches of the Animal Welfare Act.

Associate Agriculture Minister Meka Whaitiri said yesterday more animal welfare inspectors was a priority. Then went on to say: “"Any ill-treatment of animals, regardless of whether they are companion animals, farm animals or animals for entertainment, is not acceptable." There we have her making the qualifying statement—the “out”—after the primary statement. And all she succeeds in doing is state the obvious.

The point is, though, this call by animal rights groups is, in my view, just plain silly at best and a cheap, opportunist attempt to get some free publicity—some fake news—at worst.

Of course, I am not saying that animal rights groups don’t have a role, but…

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Dear God No.5A

Trump Annex

Office of The President of the United States of America.

1600 Pennsylvania Ave NW, Washington, DC 20500, USA

Telephone: You’re Crazy, right? Twitter: #millionsofpeopleloveme.

Former Attorney General of the United States

Jeffrey Sessions

US Department of Justice

950 Pennsylvania Avenue NW

Washington, DC 20530-0001.

Dear Former Attorney General

I am a smart guy, a very smart guy. I only employ smart guys. That is what makes me a smart guy.

You are not a smart guy. What you do is you accept a job from me. You want to be on my team. That is okay. Tremendous. A lot of smart guys do.

But then you bring along the Bible and you tell me that the Bible supports my immigration policy. You even quote from it. You say the Bible says it is okay to separate children from their parents. God does it all the time. God is a smart guy.

I talked to God last night. He said I can’t separate children from their parents. Not so smart guy. Then I talked to the folks at Fox. They say I can separate children from illegal immigrants, rapists and thieves. They are very smart guys.

Who should I be listening too? God or Fox. I know who my friends are.

Jeff, you are working for the wrong boss. Not smart.
You’re fired!

Donald J. Trump

President of the United States of America.

Dear God No.5

Trump Annex

Office of The President of the United States of America.

1600 Pennsylvania Ave NW, Washington, DC 20500, USA

Telephone: You’re Crazy, right? Twitter: #millionsofpeopleloveme.

Dear God

I feel like Jesus.

You know, your son. What did he say? Something like why have you forsaken me? Well, that’s the way I feel like God. That you have forsaken me. I thought we had a deal. A tremendous deal. Nobody’s done a better deal than you and me. And what do I get for helping you out and doing it by the book—your book? Nothing!!!!!

I’ve been reading your book. Jeff Sessions gave it to me. He’s one of yours. And the minute I get out there and do it by your book what happens? I get vilified. Who’s the one being crucified now?

Let me quote you from the book—some guy called Luke spreading FAKE NEWS about your son. “But Jesus called them unto him, and said, Suffer little children to come unto me, and forbid them not: for of such is the kingdom of God. Verily I say unto you, Whosoever shall not receive the kingdom of God as a little child shall in no wise enter therein.”

Let’s not talk about the writing, which is tremendously bad, you need a new writer, and you need to get on Twitter, nobody reads books these days, except mine, which is a tremendous book, let’s talk about you expecting little children to come unto you. Nothing about the parents there, is there? And then you, or Luke or Jesus says that only little children can enter the Kingdom of God. Again! Little children. No parents.

So answer me this God. It is okay for you put children there and parents over there, but when I do it, it is all somehow so very very wrong????

Yes, I feel like Jesus. First you tell me do it by the book and when I do I get forsaken and I get crucified.

I feel double-crossed—that’s a joke. But it is not.

Call me.

Donald J. Trump

President of the United States of America.

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Agreement may be bogus--claim

The agreement signed by US President Donald Trump and North Korean Chairman Kim Jong-Un in Singapore on June 12 may be bogus, says an Australian-based Korean language professor.

The startling claim comes from Professor Sam Sung of New South Wales’ Macquarie University who says that, whilst there is no doubt the historic agreement “signed” by the two leaders carries the President’s felt pen signature with its characteristic flourish, Kim Jong-un’s is an entirely different story.

Professor Sung claims the North Korean leader has not signed his name at all. 

Instead, Professor Sung says, Kim Jong-un has left the message, “Get a proper haircut you fat prick!”

Professor Sung’s staggering statement has been disputed in many quarters. Professor Thomas Suckitinsee of Tokyo University says the word prick is not found in the Korean language and Professor Sung’s translation is incorrect. The Institute of International Studies’ Joachim Crock, who is acknowledged as an expert  in North Korean affairs, says the word “fat” is not used by Chairman Kim nor by any in his inner circle.

In reply, Professor Sung admits there is no direct translation of fat prick and it could conceivably  be translated as “huge penis”, although this is not thought to refer to the American President.

There has been no comment on the claim from North Korean officials. However, President Trump tweeted this morning that he thought (Chairman) Kim had a “tremendous” sense of humour and the alleged message was just another example of “the very very good relationship I have with every world leader.”

Canadian Prime Minister, Justin Trudeau, declined to comment on President Trump’s tweet but late this morning issued a press statement saying  that “finally” he (Trudeau) and Chairman Kim had something they could agree on.

#wtffakenews

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As Cecil C. Sackrider Sees It: Come Fly With Me

Brothers and Sisters in Christ.

God’s gift of celebacy has lain upon fertile ground of late. He hath spoke and purged my heart of sinful, lustful thoughts on many occasions, and has done much the same for Bobby-Jo each night after prayer and before my visitation upon her. In that, He has been successful, for Bobby-Jo has been restored to her sweet, innocent self and tells me that, thanks be to God, she no longer harbors lustful thoughts toward me. And that is God’s blessing upon us for I am free to minister to other sisters in Christ and reveal God’s purpose for them.

So cometh the Lord. Hallelujah!

However, God has also placed a burden upon me. “Cecil” he sayeth to me. “You much venture forth a take My message to the greater world. You must take My Word to places where the light is yet to shine. You must travel the world in My Name, leaving no stone unturned in rooting out the sullied and shamed. You must find those whom would commit evil in satan’s name and commit unspeakable acts of lust and root them out.

“That is your mission, “ sayeth God.

“Yes,” I sayeth to the Lord in humility, awash with His grace.

“And for that you need another plane.”

It is God’s word that the Cecil C. Sackrider Ministry needs to add to its two aging Gulfstream G550s a brand new Bombardier Global 5000, rrp $39,900,000. The Global 5000 has a cruising speed of 556mph and a maximum range of 53200 miles enabling His word to be spread further faster.

And when I sayeth to the Lord in all humility and awash with His grace: “Lord is your message not able to be spread in such a profligate manner?” He replies: “Cecil, such is the importance of my Word, such is the importance of the Light, would you have it that my Word and my Light would travel on the back of an ass? “No,” sayeth the Lord, “A Bombardier Global 5000 is the new way of the Lord.”

And so charges the Lord, that in His name and grace we—each of us—should reach out, reach into our pockets and His name and His sight bequeath to the Cecil C. Sackrider  Ministry all you can so that His message, and my Mission to root out all evil, can be taken to the world.

Give now, friends, for the world is waiting.

To make a tax-deductible donation to the Cecil C. Sackrider Ministry Flying Fund send your check or money order to 1069E West 35 Street Montgomery Alabama United States of America, Zip Code 666.  If you do not at once have the funds available, credit card payments will be acceptable All donations over US$1,000,000 puts you into the draw to join Rev Cecil C. Sackrider and Sister Bobby-Jo Sackrider as they use the new Bombardier 5000 to bring God’s Word to the Bahamas in December.

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Dapper Dan has Died

The Dapper Dan of New Journalism has died.

Tom Wolfe passed away this week at the age of 88. He died, the New York Times says, from an “Infection in Manhattan.” That coy term could almost be the title of one of Wolfe’s books.

The sartorial resplendent Thomas Kennerly Wolfe Jr was the author of such books as The Right Stuff (his most commercially popular), The Bonfire of the Vanities, and my favourite: The Electric Cool-Aid Acid Test.

Along with contemporary writers such as Truman Capote, Gay Talese and Joe Eszterhas, he created the Age of New Journalism.

New Journalism, AKA Gonzo, is the art and craft of reporting “facts” subjectively, by interpretation; injecting the writer, and vicariously the reader, into the story. Wolfe co-created it; it took Capote with In Cold Blood and Hunter S. Thompson with just about everything Thompson wrote to perfect it.

Wolfe’s writing was acerbic but rarely unkind. Unlike Capote, and Thompson for that matter, Wolfe never seemed to have the necessity to be unkind as he chronicled East and West Coast Society in America. He coined phrases for those societies such as “Radical Chic” and the “Me Decade.” America’s astronauts are still collectively known as “The Right Stuff.”

In fact, collectivising and stereotyping were about as tough as Wolfe got when writing about people, and that is no bad stuff.

However, Wolfe's ambitions and commercial success earned him enemies—big enemies. Norman Mailer despised him (nothing new there). So did Kohn Updike and John Irving. On the other hand, right-wing commentator William F. Buckley Jr called Wolfe “probably the most skilled writer in America.”

My view of Tom Wolfe is ambivalent. His writing style is often an inspiration to me, and when circumstances and publishers allow I try to replicate his New Journalism. Fryday often ventures there. However, particularly in his writing for Rolling Stone magazine, Wolfe’s flamboyant style often overtakes and diminishes the substance of his writing; then, his writing becomes like the white and cream suits he was known for—largely opaque.

So, Dapper Dan has died. I don’t feel saddened by that to the same extent I did when Thompson died…or Capote. And the reason I think is that the style he created, New Journalism, lives on—as it had to. If anything, it has been given greater credibility by America’s present president. New Journalism is today’s “Fake News”.

And for that Tom Wolfe has left us a great gift and legacy.
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Sex, with cows

When Fryday has nothing to write about and doesn’t want to revisit Wogistan, it usually reverts to the Hamilton Library’s Book of lists or The University of Waikato.

This week Fryday went to university

The University of Waikato is fertile ground for Fryday. It is the go-to place for ill-considered and retrograde activism and totally useless research. You may recall a Fryday post about the award-winning Waikato University study into “the geographicalism of sexism”. The university has disclosed a more recent and equally compelling thesis on Hamiltonians’ addiction to cars. The best that can be said for that is that cars may be the only addictive thing about Hamilton.

For an update Fryday visited the university website today and using the search box found:

56,817 posts on sexism
333,480 posts on racism

 370,853 posts on sexuality (they like it down there)

 313,143 posts on cows

And remarkably (don’t ask):

  3,482 posts on cows and sexuality.

The University of Waikato is certainly the place to be if you want to produce relevant, compelling research that provides optimal use of the public purse.

Of course The University of Waikato is not alone among universities in its weirdness, or indeed in its love of cows. In researching the latter, Fryday was drawn to the Sub-Continent where cows are just as loved, revered and worshiped as they are in Hamilton.

It was no surprise therefore to find the University of Kota.

Kota takes the cake for weirdness.

Just visiting the home page of its website is to delve into www or, as I describe it, the wonderful world of weird. Be patient with the opening welcoming video—it starts slow, but I can promise you it gets even slower. It celebrates something called the Fifth Convocation. A dictionary definition of convocation is a large gathering of people; up to now I thought it was prisoners going on holiday.

Going deeper into www:Kota one finds a page devoted to anti-ragging rules. What is ragging? Again a dictionary definition: it “now” means an act that violates a student’s dignity. It used to be a woman having her period. I am not sure when the page was posted on the Kota website, but—I suggest—the timing is important, because the intent is to “curb the menace” of ragging and that could, periodically, be very weird indeed.

However, in defence of the University of Kota and all other universities  a search of their sites reveals no posts for cows and sexuality.

Waikato, it appears you have that on your own.

Fryday...on Fire

Let me ask you a question.

Did you know—before this week’s revelations—that there are rumours about Clarke Gaylord-Ardern?

Second question: Do you know what those rumours are?

I am going to hazard a guess that the answer to both those questions is no.

Nor do I. Nor do I care.

Except for this: In drawing attention to these rumours and assigning them to “dirty politics” Jacinda Ardern and Winston Peters have been both opportunistic and, worse, incredibly naïve. There is no way in the world that these rumours—whatever they allege—are initiated by political opponents.

How do I know this?

First, I have been around politics for a long time and I know that’s not the way it is done. Sure, things are “known” but they are not spread around. There is such a thing as “glasshouses” which is very effective in prevarication of rumours about a political opponent.

Second, a politician’s family and partner are off limits, not particularly because of laudatory motives, but more openly because there is no political capital in attacking them. In fact, quite the reverse—they can elicit sympathy.

So, is the National Party, as implied by Ardern (Jacinda) and Peters, behind these rumours? No. And are Ardern and Peters in public perception made to look foolish for implying they are? Again, the answer is no. The reason being that generally we are inclined to think the worst of people. Ardern and Peters, as seasoned politicians, know this: they are prepared to fan the fire.

Unfortunately for them, in drawing attention to these rumours they have forgotten the public’s propensity toward another old adage regarding fire: where there is smoke… .

I feel sorry for Gayford. I think he is the innocent victim here, and I sympathise about the rumours. But I also think he should question the judgement of his partner in making political capital out of them.

Letters from Wogistan: Macron

The Democratic Republic of Wogistan (Inc.)

Office of the Foreign Secretary

123 Bruce Springsteen Boulevard (third door on right). Telephone: 125.

Presidente Donald J. Trump

Presidente of United States of Americas

1600 Pennsylvania Avenue

Washington DC 20500

United States of Americas.

Dear Presidente Donald

Our Presidente for life Yoseph Flagrantie send you fragrant greetings from the Peoples of Democratic Republic of Wogistan.

Presidente will make visit to United States of Americas to discuss global warming issues. Peoples of Wogistan very cold and there is not enough sheeps to go around. Presidente feel sorry for peoples. He thinks of them as family and manys are. Presidente wants to supply thems with America heaters. Present Russian one not worthy. You supply.

Presidente want STATE WELCOMES like you give presidente Macron. Our Presidente more important. He eat Macrons. But no kisses on lips. Presidentes will shake hands, but not hold hands—that not menly thing to do.

You send Airforce One and Two—Presidente not travel with sheeps.

Sincerely

Yoseph xxx

Yoseph Wankerstan

Foreign Secretary The Democratic Republic of Wogistan (Inc.)

Proprietor Spartacus Male Gym and Bathhouse.

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On talk and tweets

The radio is on in the background. The station is a sports station. There is only one topic of conversation and that is whether Sam Gaze’s apology for the way he reacted to fellow New Zealander Anton Cooper in yesterday’s mountain bike final was written by him or for him. The difference being, in the minds of the commentators, is that if Sam wrote it himself the apology is sincere; if he did not, then it is not. The commentators believe it was not; they are basing their belief, mainly, on the cadence of the wording. All very academic.

And it is academic in the other sense of that word. In every respect, this matter doesn’t deserve the attention it is getting.

However, it interests me for two reasons. First, as a person who makes his living as a writer, I am interested in any assertion that the written word, when delivered by a third party, cannot truly reflect or represent the person, and that written words, even direct quotes, rarely are the same as they are when spoken.

Really? I make most of my income writing about people and quoting them. And I think in representing them I do it successfully—truly and fairly reflecting them, their thoughts, and their emotions. Any good writer can do it, and quite easily.

So, does it matter that Sam didn’t write his own apology—that he allegedly had it written for him? Perhaps. But it doesn’t necessarily make the apology any less sincere for that. It was just written better. Just leave it, guys; there are more important matters.

And that leads me to my second interest in this matter and the use of language. This is the tweet:

Russia vows to shoot down any and all missiles fired at Syria. Get ready Russia, because they will be coming, nice and new and "smart!" You shouldn't be partners with a Gas Killing Animal who kills his people and enjoys it!

— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) April 11, 2018

This Trump tweet and many others like it, usually attacking somebody or something, are very often sent in the very early hours of the morning. And in the use of the language—inflammatory and provocative—the  author would usually be on something or had a few too many. I have done it myself and with the same triggers. But I am not the president and the fact that this man can virtually declare war or provoke another nation into war using Twitter is deeply worrying. That he can also do it sitting alone (apparently) without a sounding board or consultation is also deeply worrying.

The only “consolation” we have is that Trump does not drink. How much worse would this mess be if he did? Then again, the fact that he does this while sober brings up a whole other set of issues.

Trump has softened his stance since. But this latest round of tweets is the most dangerous yet and raises real concerns about his sanity. Those who defend Trump will often point to the fact that he is “honest” in saying what he believes. That, too, is worrying. The only suggestion I could make to them and to Trump is to do what Sam Gaze allegedly did and get someone else to write it for him.

It’s less dangerous that way.
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Good Fryday and bad times

This is not the Fryday I intended to write. Nor is it a Fryday I wanted to write. Perhaps it is not even the Fryday I should write, but you must be the judge of that.

Earlier this week I lost one of the two dogs my wife and I owned. The dog was eight years old and succumbed after a protracted battle with cancer, lasting many months. When she was diagnosed we were told that even with the best treatment, we could at most expect her to have another year with us.

Death is the domain of decisions.

Our first was not to subject her to invasive chemotherapy for the sake of a year. We instead opted to put her on medication that would for a time protect her from the worst excesses of cancer.

For many months the medication did just that and was only recently--the last few days--that her deterioration became evident and inevitable.

It was then that I took a second decision: to take her off the medication and have her die as peacefully as she could at home.

When her last day came, I think she knew it. There were a few things out of character: a slow circuit of the property boundary stopping to watch the sheep on one side and the children playing on the other. There was an attempt to get back to the house, but she never made it more than half-way. My wife and I carried her the rest of the way and put her in her bed next to ours. It was there she died that night.

I have lost dogs before, but it never gets easier. And I don't wish to single out dogs--all pet-owners feel the same range of emotions and have to deal with them and can be excused for dwelling on them.

And nor is it just pets. I spoke to a farmer about this and he said that he feels the same about every working dog he's owned.

Laila led a charmed life. Her world was one of adventure. She was a boxer, named after the most famous female boxer in the world Laila Ali. Our Laila charmed most who met her and made everybody, even those she couldn't charm, feel that they were the most important people in her life.

She loved going to the vets and being poked and prodded--even in those last days when she could barely wag her tail, her whole body shook with pleasure as we entered the vet clinic.

Yes, she had issues. Boxers tend to have a few--ask any owner.  She was never good around smaller dogs. Yes, she stole apples from our tree so frequently that we had to let it go and turn a blind eye.

And, yes, she did adopt an air of "It's all about me". And, of course, it was.  However, as long as she could also make you think it was all about you. That was okay too. You had to love Laila for that.

And we did.

For that...and a whole lot more.