Dear John: Gadaffi2

Exalted Leader of the Free Peoples of Aotearoa New Zeland
Parliament House
Auckland
New Zeland

Dear John

Greetings from the free peoples and martyrs of Libya.
I hear you have nice children but one wife only. This is not good thing. A leader should have many wifes so to have many childrens and to not tire one wife. With many childrens a leader has loyalty of family aginst traitorous spawn of leprous camel droppings.
I say this as friend John Keyes.
So that you might haves the loyaties and loves of your peoples I am sending you some of my wifes to share the bed and the burden of your wife. This is generous it is true. But Allah tells me is right.
So I know that you will have satisfies I have decided to come too. And I shall bring our other wifes and our many childrens. This is generous it is true. But I know that the peoples of Libya must sacrifice themselves of their much loved leader to help their brothers in the free land of Aotearoa New Zeland. They says I go and I do as my peoples bid.
I will be there in time for Rugby World Cup. Please have box ready.

Your friend

Muammar.

Tyresome

I have met a great tyre retailer whom I want to recommend to everyone I know in the region. It's Firestone Albany Village (phone 0-9 414 0857) run by a guy called Steve Abbott. Here's the letter I wrote him--Explains all.

Dear Steve
You promised it would happen, and it did!
I cannot believe the difference in the handling and noise reduction of my 3-Series BMW following your recommended tyre choice and calibration. Everything you said would happen in terms of improvement has and I am delighted with the result.
I am also delighted with the advice you gave me, plus the free remedial work you did on my BMW to repair the “work” done by a previous tyre supplier. Most of all, I guess, I am delighted with your honesty in informing me that, contrary to your pre-examination forecast, replacement bushes were not required after all.
That’s impressive.
Steve, I have no hesitation in recommending you and your team to my friends and colleagues.

Bulls and Balls

I am so over the Rugby World Cup. I know it is not the RWC organisers’ fault, but all this periphery stuff: The Dolly Partons, the jersey, the abstention et al is so tiresome. And I now hear the possibility that The Warriors may lose the home ground semi, if they earn one, because of the RWC. I am also heartily sick of the hype surrounding it and am yet to be persuaded that it will have any long-term benefit for New Zealand. That said, I acknowledge that it may have short-term benefits. My friend Whetu, of whom you read occasionally in Fryday, is making a killing selling All Black replica jerseys for $30.00. They present very good value because you get two jerseys in one. After three washings and the black dye wears off you are suddenly presented with a Lion Red Warriors’ jersey circa 1995. Whetu is also selling abstention kits cunningly disguised as 12-pack of Lion Red. His rationale? After drinking that much you can’t get it up anyway. Whetu describes it as the Maori contribution to science. And nor is Whetu the only one making a contribution to and a killing from, the RWC. New Zealand’s squeezable pimple, Hamilton, is heralding a rallying cry for its citizens to make an international statement that their village is right behind the RWC and Telecom. Hamiltonians are being exhorted to abstain from sex in support of Telecom’s erstwhile campaign (they haven’t caught up with the news yet). I am not sure whether cows will be disappointed or relieved. On the other hand I hear Palmerston North is taking the opposite approach. They have decided to have frequent sex. Well, as they say, there is a first for everything. As for me? This Fryday will be my only contribution and comment to and about the RWC. I support the All Blacks, but I detest the self-perpetuating dominance of the code and in keeping with most Aucklanders I think there are more important things in life than rugby. I am just struggling presently under the weight and mire of the media to find one.

Shopping at Sainsbury's

Is it just I? Perhaps it is. Perhaps it is my demeanour. Perhaps it is my reputation for being obstreperous. Perhaps it is because I come from Christchurch for whom there are truckloads of sympathy but no likability. Or maybe it is as superficial as my aftershave. Whatever it is, I feel like a pariah of the people. No matter how much I plead, urge, cajole, beg, I can get no one to join me in the Mark Sainsbury Fan Club. What is it with you people? Can you not see that this man is atop the pantheon of journalism? Can you not see, and be stimulated by, the incisive, penetrating manner of his questioning? Can you not digest and recognise the finesse with which he lulls his interviewees (victims?) into a false sense of security by their thinking they are being interviewed by a complete idiot? Believe me, as an actor I know it takes skill, craft and practice to play an idiot. Unless you are one of course. No, I can find no one who will join me in the Mark Sainsbury Fan Club and that disappoints me. Even Mr Sainsbury has declined to join the club in his honour. When I approached him, his rejoinder was, “What? What do you think I am? An idiot?”
Ummmmm….

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Dear John

President John Keys
Prime Minister New Zeland
Parliament House
Auckland
New Zeland

Dear John

To the exalted leader of the free peoples of Aotearoa New Zeland—greetings.

After 42 years as benign father to my peoples, God is telling me that the time has come for me to rest. But my peoples will not allow me this rest. They will not let me go. Even as I here write I hear their chants from the street. “Gaddafi must die as President,” they say. I am touched. I am much loved.

So, I must leave Libya so that I might rest. And soon. And in secret.

I am offering myself to a number of countries. Allah be praised that New Zeland is one of them. I have heard much of your country from the many Maories peoples who have trained here with my armed forces. I know that you have much sheep and the Maories peoples tell me that much of your peoples are like sheeps. This is much loved by me.

I know that in New Zeland the people will welcome me as they welcomed convicts from all lands so long ago.

So, John Keys, I offer to you myself. I bestow myself and my family and wives on the peoples of New Zeland. I shall comes next week.

Please have palace ready.

Your friend

Muammar.

1. I have today transferred into your bank accounts US$1 Billion. Please use it to buy me taxi license. I don’t wish to be a burden to your country.

2. Please let Hone know I am coming.

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