Cushion...a blow

 

What is it about women and cushions?

Cushions are about as useful to humanity as eyebrows are to the body—something I learnt lately when I “lost” an eyebrow and gained the character of a more macho and sensible scar.

Yet women seem to throw cushions around with gay abandon. They litter couches, clutter chairs and are useless impediments in bed. And the cushions are even worse!

Cushions on the bed are particularly galling. What purpose are they serving? Most beds in my experience have pillows, sometimes quite a few of them. To bury them beneath cushions is surely a redundancy.
If you are a woman, you will undoubtedly counter that by saying cushions are decorative. The far more pragmatic male of the species will bring some common sense to the argument: yes, decorative, and dangerous.

What happens to all those cushions when you get into bed? You immediately discard them on to the floor where they lay in wait, an unseen hazard on your stumbling route to the toilet.
Cushions in the bedroom are insidious and gender specific. You don’t see them in a man’s bedroom. It is only when said male enters a partnership with a woman that those cushions magically appear. There should be a standard clause in pre-nuptial agreements banning cushions from bedrooms and, indeed, anywhere in the house.

Men have rights too.

The only practical use I can see for a cushion is to provide a level of comfort for the woman who kneels at the feet of her man, ready to fetch him a beer, while he watches Supercars. Even then, a pillow would suffice.

I have researched this issue. The question I raise—what use are cushions---is common on the internet. The only answer given is that they are decorative. There is a nod to posture. But again, that is gender specific. Blokes don’t care about posture. That’s something that went out the door with Polaroid photos and taking nude photos of your wife.

So, as much as I would like to fashion an argument for cushions, the only argument I can fashion is fashion.

And that is simply not good enough for me.

The only good news is that fashion, by its nature, goes out of fashion and becomes nothing more than a useless object.

It’s happened to the Prime Minister; I hope it happens to cushions.