Crazy Book Titles

 

An annual staple of early Frydays was the Hamilton Public Library Book of Lists. It listed those books which, for various reasons, attained a special place among the portfolio of books offered for loan by the library.

Unfortunately, the same books kept appearing on the list every year. Fifty Shades of Grey was the perpetual most loaned book; the most popular career book was A life in Hairdressing, and when it came to computers, the most popular books were A Step-by-Step Picture Guide to Finding Google on your Computer and A Step-by-Step Picture Guide to Turning on Your Computer. The only new books to puncture the status quo were: the most stolen book (from the library), Shoplifting for Dummies (2020), Jacinda—A Love Story (2021) and A Dummies’ Guide to loving Jacinda, Despite Everything. (2021).

With so few entries on the list, the list became unsustainable. So, I scrapped it.

Now, however, I have become aware of The Diagram Group and its awards for the oddest book titles of the year. These are, believe me or not, real published books. They make for interesting reading--the titles, not, I suggest, the books themselves.

I’ll start with the most scatorial of the year 2014. Finalists that year included:

·      How to Poo on a Date: The Lovers' Guide to Toilet Etiquette.

·      The Origin of Faeces.

 

Over the years the Awards have managed to accumulate some strange titles indeed. Here is a sample. Remember, they are real books and can be found on Amazon. I have given you links.

·       BOMBPROOF YOUR HORSE

·        WHO CARES ABOUT ELDERLY PEOPLE?

·       DOES GOD EVER SPEAK THROUGH CATS?

·        HOW TO DISSAPPEAR COMPLETELY AND NEVER BE FOUND

·       SUN-BEAMS MAY BE EXTRACTED FROM CUCUMBERS, BUT THE PROCESS IS TEDIOUS

·        HOW GREEN WERE THE NAZIS?: NATURE, ENVIRONMENT, AND NATION IN THE THIRD REICH 

·       HOW TO SURVIVE A GARDEN GNOME ATTACK: DEFEND YOURSELF WHEN THE LAWN WARRIORS STRIKE (AND THEY WILL) 

·        KNITTING WITH DOG HAIR: BETTER A SWEATER FROM A DOG YOU KNOW AND LOVE THAN FROM A SHEEP YOU'LL NEVER MEET

·        HOW TO TEACH PHYSICS TO YOUR DOG

·        MANIFOLD DESTINY: THE ONE! THE ONLY! GUIDE TO COOKING ON YOUR CAR ENGINE!

·       DATING FOR UNDER A DOLLAR: 301 IDEAS 

And my favourite:

·      TEACH YOUR WIFE TO BE A WIDOW[1]

So, there are some strange book titles out there and it seems to be that you can find someone, somewhere who has written on just about every subject imaginable. For example, a few years back I wrote a Fryday on the subject of toilet lids and their usage. I went on google to research that and found no fewer than 7,290,000 documents on the subject.

But me, I am above all that. I have life, substance, pride, self-respect and intelligence. You won’t find your Fryday friend writing drivel. Never! God help me if, through sheer boredom, I ever resort to putting pen to paper on meaningless subjects such as, well, for example,  Crazy Book Titles.

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[1] This was one reader’s review of Teach Your Wife to be a Widow: I got my wife an Amazon gift card for Christmas, and she used part of it to buy this book. My health hasn't been the best lately and I've been very busy at work, so I think that she's being very prudent in learning how to deal with "final expenses" and take over the household finances and maintenance of the house and car. Yesterday another book arrived for her from Amazon: A Field Guide To Toxic Plants Of North America. I have such a thoughtful wife! She knows that I have a number of life-threatening allergies, and she wants to make sure that I stay away from anything that might harm me. Gotta go now, it's dinner time. She's made me a big salad that she says will end all of my worries about cholesterol.