Letters from Wogistan: Donald Trump

The Democratic Republic of Wogistan (Inc.)

Office of the Foreign Secretary

123 Bruce Springsteen Boulevard (third door on right). Telephone: 125.

Presidente Donald J. Trump

Presidente of United States of Americas

1600 Pennsylvania Avenue

Washington DC 20500

United States of Americas.

Dear Presidente Donald

Greetings from the Peoples of Democratic Republic of Wogistan.

Our National Intelligenge Service, he says you are about to resign.

Our xalted leader, Presidente Yoseph Flagrantlie (God give him long life and much children), redy to step-in and take your place. He already has second job as a masseur at my bathhouse, but he say he can do that job at any fleshpot in Washington.

You make redy White House. Presedente want it blue. He not want your wife. Presidente bring own wives and sheep. You leave daughter. Presidente is like you—does not need staff neither.

Presidente will arrive next Tuesday after lunch.

You send Airforce One and food for sheep.

Sincerely

Yoseph xxx

Yoseph Wankerstan

Foreign Secretary The Democratic Republic of Wogistan (Inc.)

Proprietor Spartacus Male Gym and Bathhouse.

The Idiocy of ISIS

I am an idiot.

For the life of me, I cannot understand what ISIS is up to. Yes, I understand they want an independent Islamic state; yes, I understand they want to spread their perverted style of Islam to dominate the world; and, yes, I know they want to goad America into a ground war, despite not even wining the one they are in at the moment.

But how they expect to do that by killing innocent civilians as they did today in Spain and previously Britain, France and Germany is way beyond me. How is that going to help their cause—if they have a cause, at all?

ISIS is of course not the first to deal in chaos. But they are the first to be so chaotic about it. Prior the World War One, Anarchists spread terror throughout Europe. Their weapon of death was the bomb, not white vans, and they were pretty indiscriminate about where they placed those bombs. I am not condoning them or their actions, but at least they had a cause, a belief: self-governed societies based on voluntary societies. That doesn’t make a lot of sense to me, but nor does the Green Party or Stephen Kearney coaching The Warriors, so I guess I am just an idiot.

But what does ISIS stand for? What am I missing? Do they have any objective, other than those professed above? An even earlier group of terrorists, Nizari Ismailis, also known as Assassins, were killers for hire so there was a monetary rationale. They were also driven by a very clever ploy by their leader, The Old Man of the Mountain, who drugged them up, sent them to brothel, brought them back and then convinced them that what they had just witnessed was the Afterlife. Of course, they couldn’t wait to get back there.

Is that what drives ISIS fighters and suicide soldiers?

Given their terrifying modus operandi includes rape at will, I doubt such an afterlife has the same attraction.

So, I am still none the wiser at why ISIS does what it does. But in writing about it I have at least arrived at one conclusion: I may not, after all, be the idiot here.

What the Dickens is the Green Party up to?

Tony Hancock was a brilliant, if flawed, comedian. In his personal life and in the eponymous character he portrayed, he was constantly trying to improve himself. For example, in a TV episode of Hancock, written for him by the gifted Alan Galton and Ray Simpson, he decides to improve his mind by reading the classics. He gets as far as the first line of Charles Dickens’ Tale of Two Cities “It was the best of times, it was the worst of times”. That’s enough for Tony. He throws away the book, complaining that if he (Dickens) couldn’t make up his mind, why should he (Hancock) bother?

I thought of that line this week when I was watching the Green Party leadership debacle. Like many of you I was going to call on Metiria Turei to resign, and in my case use Fryday to do it. Then she did, so that Fryday went out the door. But then something else occurred to me and that is where Hancock’s complaint came to mind. Turei resigned as co-leader of the Green Party. Why did the party need two leaders—couldn’t they make up their mind?

Of course, they could.

The reason they had two leaders, it seems to me, is they wanted to portray the right gender and race balance: male and female, Maori and Pakeha. Now they wind up with just a middle-aged white male—that must be particularly galling for The Green Party of Aotearoa New Zealand. But they are stuck with it and him, until the election at least.

But what about the principle of two leaders (for whatever reason)? How do you feel about it? Me? I feel it condescending, particularly if it is for the reason stated above. I can understand a rugby team having two captains—one to control the forwards and a second to handle the backs. But a political party? Was Metiria there to control the Maoris and James Shaw the Pakehas? Of course not. Was it to pander to the Maori and the Pakeha votes? Possibly. But that doesn’t make a lot of sense, either—other parties do that much better. In fact, some specialise in it. So, we return to the core rationale for co-leadership—portrayal balance. Well, if that’s what they want. But, it all seems a bit silly to me. Then again, so does their party.

In closing, I am reminded of a quote of another favourite author, Oscar Wilde: "To lose one parent may be regarded as a misfortune; to lose both looks like carelessness." The Green Party lost one, because Metiria was careless. Ultimately that may lead to the party’s misfortune and perhaps even the loss of the other.

Trump to God #4

Trump Annex

Office of The President of the United States of America.

1600 Pennsylvania Ave NW, Washington, DC 20500, USA

Telephone: You’re Crazy, right? Twitter: #millionsofpeopleloveme.

Dear God

I understand you had problems with your disciples, or as I prefer to call them Apprentices.

What was that bad one? That evil hombre? Judas? What a loser! I would have fired him! Strait away! Out the door! You leak—you seek! You discuss my business to the criminal media, you’re out of here. Out the door. That’s how it goes in business, God.

But your not in business are you? At least not good at it. Like those guys I see representing you on late night TV. What commission are you paying them??? How much of the deal are you getting? God, you have got a lot to learn. Burn the Bible—you’ll learn more from the Art if the Deal. I wrote that you know. It’s great!!!! A tremendous book!!! Sold more books than yours did!!

You know, I kind of think that I could get on side with you. But I think of the people you got around you. Kept with you. Peter. Peter? Your Executive Assistant? He’s a fisherman, for godsake!!!! Fishermen don’t look good in mini-skirts! Take my word for it. I know! You should have hired Ivanka!

Thomas? He doubted you from the start! Why didn’t you just fire him????

Jared—that’s a good Jewish name. My son-in-law. Doing better than your son. I leave it to you to work that out.

So, what do we learn? We get rid of the bad hombres. We hire them then we fire them. That’s how you succeed. You hire someone who is more tremendous than the last one. Then do it again. That’s how you build a team. You can do that when you are like me. You get to be President of the United States of America. You get to hire people. You get to fire people. It makes you tremendous!!

You can still get there God. Call me.

Donald J. Trump

President of the United States of America.