Greetings to you good folk in New Zealand

Greetings to you good folk in New Zealand
It is Chuck Mantell editor of the Freeport Bugle talking to you here again. Freeport is looking awesome at the moment. We are heading into spring and the crops are sprouting. Mindy Holsberger says her melons are going to be simply awesome this year. Mindy is well known these places for the size and juiciness of her melons. She never fails to display them to best effect, and folks come from miles around to see and touch them. Why I remember last year when I touched them that they were the firmest melons I had felt since way back in 1989 when I got to touch Mandy-Jo Bodkin’s that time she had them out on display.
I know you folk down there like your fishing, so you will be glad to know that the fish is aplenty in Freeport this year. Billy-Bob’s hole up there on Trumpet Creek is simply swimming in them. Why I have even heard that you can put your hand in Billy-Bob Haubraw’s hole and fish will just swim into your hand, that’s how willing they are to be caught. Billy-Bob’s wife, Billie-Jo, will even fry them up for you if you are of a mind. And if she takes a liking to you, Billie-Jo will even show you her secret hole out the back and let you try your hand at that.
Don’t get me wrong though—there is more to Freeport than melon squeezing and fishing. We have culture here too. The Freeport Little Theatre Repertory Society are putting on the annual musical this month. It’s a return to those times we all remember, the summer of love, when the Society presents their remake of Hair—50 years on. The society has managed to assemble much of the same cast as their 1967 season and the men especially say they reckon that despite some of them being in their 70s the singing and dancing will be just as good as it was back then and the nude scene don’t phase them at all. They say they will be up for it, excepting for the matinee—they reckon that these days they can only get it up once a day.
Not sure what you folk down there do for culture. I heard tell from a friend of mine who visited New Zealand a few years back that your men folk like to parade around in skirts made of grass while your women folk play with their balls. Now, I guess that would be a sight to see.
Of course you are probably like us, God-fearing folk. We don’t do anything on the sabbath, excepting go to church. Pastor Ron reckons he is going to have a right passionate sermon this Sunday. He says he doesn’t often get into politics but he says it is time for all righteous folk to do God’s willing and get behind Senator Ted Cruz from the great state of Texas. He says God has no time for Donald Trump. I don’t know about that and as an editor I reckon it is my responsibility to go straight down the line when it comes to politics, specially when God and politics come together. I reckon that is an awesome combination and I am thinking I don’t want to take that on.
Nope, your good mate (like that Kiwiism?) at the Freeport Bugle will be sticking to his knitting—reporting on Mindy Holsberger’s melons, delving into the Haubraw holes and reviewing Hair for my readers who don’t get the chance to see it for themselves. I wonder of Jenny-Mae Tolkin-Elliott looks the same. That would be awesome!
Yours truly
Chuck Mantell
Editor, Freeport Bugle.