The Wogistan Letters: Dear Donald

Living on Planet Dumb Arse

Are you following the NZ Herald’s daily updates on The Bachelor? I thought not. But have you thought to question why they are even there? It seems somewhat innocuous to have the smirks and scandals of a reality TV series as the daily staple of a once reputable new source. Is this yet another example of the dumbing down of New Zealand news coverage? Other dumbing downs would include coverage of Dancing with the Stars, The Green Party Annual Conference and anything to do with Teddy Sinclair —AKA Natalie Kills, and Mrs Moon. It is not that I am necessarily against dumbing down. In certain constituencies dumbing down can be an effective tool, look at Donald Trump—and what a tool he is. But in our major newspaper, and not even in the lifestyle section? I have a couple of friends who used to work in the Herald. They would be turning in their graves had they not had the good fortune to have not yet died or moved to Hamilton. I know what they are thinking on this issue; it can be summed up by one word: disappointed. In this morning’s Herald stories about the Bachelor are accompanied online by an article on why men fake an orgasm, why boredom is good for you (the Herald defending itself, perhaps?), and a piece about the worst lies you can tell at work. On the distaff there is a good investigative piece on why companies move profits off-shore and there is coverage of “prominent sexual violence advocate” (for or against, the Herald’s writer doesn’t declare), Louise Nicholas, opining that after recent judicial decisions, some New Zealand judges are living on Planet Dumb Arse. Well, I don’t know about judges, Louise, but apparently here in New Heraldland all the rest of us are.

It takes four seconds to hit the water

It takes four seconds to hit the water after leaping from San Fransisco’s Golden Gate bridge. For many who take the leap of fate it is, as intended, the last four seconds of their lives. Few survive. One who did is Ken Baldwin, who jumped in 1985. He later recalled thinking during his four-second freefall that,  'I instantly realised that everything in my life I'd thought was unfixable was totally fixable--except for having just jumped.' Now, that is a statement for posterity. That is a statement for Facebook. And it now seems that posterity and Facebook may well be one in the same.
A NZ Herald report this morning says that by the end of the century there will be more dead people on Facebook than living. The Herald is reporting on a claim by University of Massachusetts statistician, Hachem Sadikki, who describes Facebook as the world’s largest digital graveyard. I have no way off disputing Mr Sadikki’s claim, so I accept it. However, initially it made me uncomfortable. I thought it morbid, possibly voyeuristic. But, then I thought: why not?Through Facebook we have the opportunity to leave a little piece of ourselves for posterity—for future generations; our children, their children and their children’s children. It is not morbid. It is a gift. And, after all, generations before us have left diaries for future generations.
Yes, Facebook is more complex than a diary, but even that has merit. Without diminishing the written diary, I feel Facebook provides a greater insight into our daily lives: who we engaged with, who were our “friends”, what we did, how we felt, how stupid (largely, our photos) we could be, what we enjoyed and what we hated. And if we start now with that thought, we can even leave our pithy little sayings to posterity—something I am now doing on Mr Baldwin’s behalf.
Facebook has a policy of not automatically deleting a dead person’s Facebook page. Nor should they. Surely that should be left to the family or friends of the deceased.
But what they (Facebook) can do is allow us to nominate a ‘legacy owner’ who is empowered to keep our Facebook page alive and refreshed long after we are dead—a living dead legacy. Future generations might even want to use the social media site to send back messages to long-dead generations.
The only problem I see with that, is if they get a reply.

As Cecil C. Sackrider Sees It: The Lord Shall Wrought

The Lord shall wrought Hell upon the Earth.
So it is told. Saith the Lord. God’s choice for the coming election, Jeb Bush, is no longer in the race. His second choice, Ted Cruz, is and this pleases God. For God is beneficent. But God is troubled. God is troubled that His party, The Republican Party, the party of people—white people—has forsaken God and embraced the false profit Donald Trump. Thus, saith God, The White House—God’s house—will fall into the hands of the scarlet woman Hillary Clinton. And the Lord shall wrought Hell upon the Earth. For it is said that a woman shall have no place in the White House. No more place than a black man. It is not God’s will, it is not God’s intent. Yet America has turned its back on God. A black man and then a woman—behold the Day of Judgement is upon us. My wife, Billy-Jo, is much afeared.  I feel her fear through the soft clingy thin satin-fabric of her night-dress. I feel her tremble as my hands glide over her petite body trying to sooth her. She moves from me, fearful that I at my touch will feel her fear. I move toward her. She moves from me again, such is her fear. And love for me. Yet I know. I know I am doing a righteous thing in comforting her and I feel that God is in me as I am in her. But even God’s great beneficence and my manly caresses can not calm her fears. At night, she cries in her sleep. “Tump, Oh God, Trump,” she cries. And I know she is much troubled. Yesterday, when I was going through her purse I found a photo of Donald Trump. And I know that my sweet wife, my petite wife, my Billy-Jo is carrying it with her always to remind herself that Satan is at work upon this Earth. So, I say unto you—as I place instruction upon my wife—do not turn from God. Do not vote for Donald Trump, for that way lies Hillary Clinton—a woman. Vote for Ted Cruz, God’s (second) choice, for only in doing so can not Armageddon be visited upon the Earth. And my wife, Billy-Jo, will not again tremble at my touch.   

For a list of God’s Gifts, as delivered personally by God to Pastor Cecil C. Sackrider (handwriting verified), send a check or money order (minimum US$99.99) to the Cecil C. Sackrider Ministry 1069E West 35 Street Montgomery Alabama United States of America, Zip Code 666.  Checks should be made out to CASH (Congregation Against Satan’s Handiwork). All donations over US$50,000 go into the draw to win a personal phone call from Our Lord, as delivered by Pastor Sackrider.