Heaven Sent: The Gough Letters

G’day Trumpo
Thought I would start with a bit of Aussie vernacular, though of course I didn’t use a lot of it while I was down there. I guess I have mellowed somewhat up here in Heaven. There are many misconceptions about Heaven —I wouldn’t call it Paradise, too many New Zealanders for that. Not so many Australians and, be warned, hardly any Republicans. But it is warm from the boilers below—Republicans are doing a great job stoking up the fires.
Anyway, I thought I would drop you a line, from on high so to speak. I am following your campaign for the U.S. Presidency with some interest. These are testing times but you are doing a great job standing out from the crowd of evangelicals currently blighting the Republican line-up. Yes, you lost to Ted Cruz and Cruz will no doubt consider that as an act of God. But let me tell you, Big G (I am little g) is far from happy with the Republican Party. He has even had Peter add to the Pearly Gates sign “No Hawkers, No Junk Mail and no Southern Baptists. Big G did have some hope for Jeb Bush, despite being bored by his brother George (what a God botherer he is) but Jeb seems to have lost his way. So, Big G is counting on you to keep the Baptists at bay.
Me? I am not so sure. I think you should stick to your knitting, which the art of the deal and keeping your hair intact. I am not really comfortable with you as a politician. Yes, you have all the credentials—you are a hypocrite, loose with the truth and have great hair—all of which is good for a  politician and really good for a televangelist. But you also appear to have a low boredom threshold. And that worries me. Could you stick it out for a four-year term in the White House? How long would it be before you got bored and started fidgeting such as declaring war on North Korea or firing the Supreme Court—just for the fun of it? But, then again and again from here up high I think that is exactly why you are running for the presidency—just for the fun of it.
Am I right, cobber?
Sincerely
Gough Whitlam
Former Prime Minister, Australia.