The one that doesn't feature Fryday's alter egos

I remember little of my days in advertising.
That is a blessing in many respects, but a hindrance in others. For example, some have said I should write my life story and I am technically capable of doing that. However one needs to first remember that life. And whilst anecdotes can be fun and humanising, particularly if seedy, they are insufficient for a credible biography, unless of course you are Keith Richards and an admiring readership is happy to be simply invited into your world. For me, more is needed. Facts are needed; names, places, events, etc. Not easy when few come to mind and those that do are not often aligned.
I was thinking about this this week, not because I intend to write that book, but because of two events.
The first was my correspondence with a Trade Me trader who asked if I was the same person who worked in Auckland advertising. I confirmed that I was but had to admit that I didn’t know him. We shared CVs in order to solve the mystery of where we met. There was a link, though tenuous. One of the problems was I couldn’t recall which advertising agency I was working for when I bought advertising off my correspondent. Worse he remembered me, but I didn’t remember him. How many others have I forgotten? Enough to fill a book?
The second event was the demise of Dick Smith. I was never associated with Dick Smith Limited. But I did help with the advertising of their (then) major competitor David Read Electronics. Do you remember them? They were well and truly No.2 to Dick Smith in retail electronics. However, like Avis, the fact that we were No.2 made us try harder and for a while we gave Dick Smith a run for their money (when they had some) until David Read could do no more and was eventually swallowed up—by Dick Smith, I think. However, again I cannot remember which agency I was working for, any of the personnel involved and even when it was.
So, the residue of my life in Auckland advertising from 1973 to 1995 today consists only of a possibly intriguing and frustratingly enticing series of snippets—nothing substantive. In some ways I am happy about that. I can immediately think of three:
1. I am relieved of the presumption that anybody is interested in my life in advertising.
2. There are things in that life I am glad to have forgotten and certainly don’t want resurrected now.
3. I have fun with the curious, but not entirely accurate, epigram: “if you can remember (the 60s) you weren’t there.”
I was there—in the 70s, 80s 90s. In advertising. In Auckland. Having fun. 
And if that is all I can remember, so be it.
It is enough.

Hog-Tie That Kangeroo Down Sport

Dear Friday
G’day cobber and hog-tie that kangaroo down sport.
I reckon we in the great state of Ohio and you good folk down there in New Zealand have a lot in common. Sure we don’t have kangaroos and you don’t have grizzlies (I think), but the way I look at it folk is folk all over the world (except in Muslim countries) and the more folk talk to each other and share what brings them together the more peace we will have in the world.
Hi, my name is Mitch Mantell and like you I work in the media. I am the editor of the Freeport Bugle, right here in Freeport Ohio. I have a reporting staff of three, including my wife Mandy Mantell, and a readership of most everybody in town—which numbers about 245. I also run the local radio station, KSF—“The Sound of the Free” and am the morning DJ.
I sure would like to know more about you. So I hope you will get back to me on that.
You may not know it, but New Zealand appears a lot on our televisions these days, particularly John Oliver’s Last Week Tonight.  Your prime minister, John Key, is a favorite, and your Steven Joyce got a mention because of that dildo in the face thing. As far as I know we have only one dildo in Freeport (Margaret Fraptor’s) so nobody will be throwing that away in a hurry.
Talking of dildos: Donald Trump. What do you folks down there think about him? I guess you are likely to be fairly divided on him. He certainly polarizes us over here. Freeport is Republican through and through, but even here there are folk for him and folk agin him. I reckon I sit on the fence (which gives me and Margaret something in common, Ha Ha) and I think he is a sound businessman. But President? The jury is out. On the good side, he is not going to touch our guns and his immigration policy—I like his thinking on Mexicans and Muslims. We had a Mexican here in town  a few years ago and although his restaurant was okay there wasn’t much else to like about him. Never had a Muslim. You got any Muslims and Mexicans down there? On the bad side, I don’t see Mr Trump lasting the distance—really, I don’t. I reckon he would get bored at that job. He might find a few Muslim countries to bomb, but there are only so many of those and as Billy-Ray Johnson up there on Smoky Ridge says, if you can’t look varmints  in the eye while blasting them it just ain’t sport. So, I reckon it is no use having the likes of Donald Trump as the President of our great nation if we can’t have him for long. I think Ted Cruz is the better bet. Lasts longer and I like his thinking on gays—not that there are a lot of gays in Freeport. Not no more.
Anyways, I’ll just get out and vote like most folk and I guess the result will be God’s hands. I have more immediate things to do, like writing tomorrow’s lead story on Mrs Silvester and her giant pussy—the state champion three years running. We are right proud of that.
So, I sure hope to receive a reply from downunder. I might even publish it in the newspaper because folk here don’t know too much about New Zealand, other than dildos and boomerangs We can’t all be editors—Ha Ha.
Write soon and God Bless The United States of America and the Great Nation of New Zealand.
Yours truly
Mitch Mantell
Editor, Freeport Bugle.
PS: From one editor to another, you have spelt Friday wrong—an I not a Y. :)

Heaven Sent: The Gough Letters

G’day Trumpo
Thought I would start with a bit of Aussie vernacular, though of course I didn’t use a lot of it while I was down there. I guess I have mellowed somewhat up here in Heaven. There are many misconceptions about Heaven —I wouldn’t call it Paradise, too many New Zealanders for that. Not so many Australians and, be warned, hardly any Republicans. But it is warm from the boilers below—Republicans are doing a great job stoking up the fires.
Anyway, I thought I would drop you a line, from on high so to speak. I am following your campaign for the U.S. Presidency with some interest. These are testing times but you are doing a great job standing out from the crowd of evangelicals currently blighting the Republican line-up. Yes, you lost to Ted Cruz and Cruz will no doubt consider that as an act of God. But let me tell you, Big G (I am little g) is far from happy with the Republican Party. He has even had Peter add to the Pearly Gates sign “No Hawkers, No Junk Mail and no Southern Baptists. Big G did have some hope for Jeb Bush, despite being bored by his brother George (what a God botherer he is) but Jeb seems to have lost his way. So, Big G is counting on you to keep the Baptists at bay.
Me? I am not so sure. I think you should stick to your knitting, which the art of the deal and keeping your hair intact. I am not really comfortable with you as a politician. Yes, you have all the credentials—you are a hypocrite, loose with the truth and have great hair—all of which is good for a  politician and really good for a televangelist. But you also appear to have a low boredom threshold. And that worries me. Could you stick it out for a four-year term in the White House? How long would it be before you got bored and started fidgeting such as declaring war on North Korea or firing the Supreme Court—just for the fun of it? But, then again and again from here up high I think that is exactly why you are running for the presidency—just for the fun of it.
Am I right, cobber?
Sincerely
Gough Whitlam
Former Prime Minister, Australia.