Letter from Somalia (2)

Dear Frydaygroup Friends
Wonderful, wonderful news. I am quite overcome with excitement and cannot wait to share that excitement with you.
But first I must bring you up to date with what happened since we last corresponded. You will remember that on that occasion I was in the midst of Somalia at night watching distant lights approach our grounded plane. My new-found lady friend opined that they may be the lights of bandits or pirates whom I believe are quite prevalent in these parts. We were cautioned into silence. I am happy to be able to tell you now that our caution was unwarranted. The lights belonged to a convoy of Christian missionaries, which my friend thought just as bad. But when they finally arrived at the plane, I found them quite delightful and very much helpful. They kept saying they wanted to save us, though I know not from what. Our plane was by now fully repaired (as subsequent events so proved) but they seemed to be very persistent. It was only when I began my recitation on the breeding habits of the Devonport Guppy that they thought to leave and our plane could take off.
It was a delightful interlude, but there were no other events before our arrival at Bosasa two days later. And here we arrive at my wonderful news. Who should I see here in Bosasa but none other than my erstwhile brother-in-law Prince Mongatabo, brother of my late husband King Abundo. What excitement! He recognised me immediately! But what would bring Mongatabo all the way from Nigeria to Somalia? Well, it appears that he has some sort of role with the Somali Navy, and I shall tell you more of that in a moment. Most exciting of all is that he already has many friends in New Zealand! Many of whom, he says, started as investors in his Nigerian businesses whom he met by email. By email, can you imagine! It is a small world. He asked me how many friends I had in New Zealand and I told him about all my Frydaygroup friends and he says he will write to you all so that he can be your friend too. It will be lovely.
Now for my other good news and one that has much to do with my guppy hunt. I am to be taken to sea tomorrow for an off-shore search. And I have Mongatabo to thank for it. You see, I said he had something to do with the Somali Navy. I do not know that for sure, but I do know that he introduced me to twelve or so friends of his whose job is to go to sea in their small boats and help guide big ships through Somali waters, and they have offered to take me along when they go out tomorrow. They are heavily armed. But, as Mongatabo says, so is everybody else and these men need protection from sharks and crocodiles and such like. From what I have heard, said I, we might add pirates to our list of hazards. Mongatabo simple smiled (he has a lovely smile) and said pirates wouldn’t be a problem. I cannot wait, I am quite in a tis as you can imagine.
So, from Somalia and soon to sea, bless you my friends.
Much love,
Phyllis.

Yours truly,

Phyllis J. Fenwick (Miss).

Internet support kindly provided by Jack Arbuckle’s Pre-Loved Car Emporium

With love from Wogistan (you know who you are).

The Democratic Republic of Wogistan (Inc.)

Office of the Foreign Secretary

123 Bruce Springsteen Boulevard (third door on right). Telephone: 125.

Email: Info@officeoftheforeignsecretary.govt.wg

Her Serene Highness

The Queen of England and other Countries not U.S.a.

Bucking Ham Palace of the Peoples

London

In England.

Greetings From Democratic Republic of Wogistan (Inc.)

I am instructed by esteemed president President Yoseph Flagrantlie (hollowed is his name) that said President Yoseph Flagrantlie does require seven seats in Royal Box at Wimbeleton Tennis Courts to watch Wogistan’s number one tennis player President Yoseph Flagrantlie win matches. President Flagrantlie has won all matches in Wogistan (Inc) except one to the late Major General Yoseph Tztortion.  Will win more.

President Yoseph Flagrantlie enter tennis tournament at Sochi Winter Olympics. But he such a feared opponent that no other nation turn up to play tennis. President Flagrantlie win Gold Silver and bronze medals, but Russian dictator Vladimir Putin refuse to give. We go war.

But we loves beloved British peoples in not U.S.a. We willing to be in fashionable tournament and be in royal box with your Phillip who went to school in Greece with second uncle of Wogistan Minister of War and Farm Implements, Yoseph Kazakstan.

Minister of War and Farm Implements Yoseph Kazakstan carry Presidents tennis racket. Not need seat.

With sincere facilitations,

Yoseph xxx

Yoseph Wankerstan

Foreign Secretary The Democratic Republic of Wogistan (Inc.)

Proprietor Spartacus Male Gym and Bathhouse.

Kim

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To me, having an innate aversion to a name is irrational and illogical. Yet I have it.  In my early days the name was Felicity. But at least I could explain why I disliked Felicity—I disliked Felicity. Felicity Smith was a girl who followed me in every primary class we attended. She latched on to me like a limpet and it was only when we went to separate secondary schools that she stopped. Felicity was never popular and was as a consequence lonely and morose—which only added to her problem and in retrospect my own: the guilt I now feel for the way I treated her which ran along the lines of I don’t want to be associated with you because you are bad for my image.

That said, I still have an aversion to the name Felicity. But at least I have an explanation as well.

But how do I explain Kim? Why do I not like the name Kim? Is it again that I associate it with the traits of some people I do know of that name though not intimately—Kim Kardashian, Kim Dotcom and Kim Jong-un? Maybe.

I am such an evil devious bugger that I even went on the Internet to find other people named Kim whom I could dislike. What I found surprised me—not the number of people, but the number of sites devoted to the name Kim. There is of course the omnipresent Wikipedia listing, but there also any number of sites listing famous people named Kim (they all seem to come up with the same three I did) and one site for “Men named Kim”.  There is even a site for people who wished they were named Kim. For those of a scientific bent there is a Web-thesis on the gender-neutrality of Kim.

None of these sites adds much to the store of common knowledge but they perhaps illustrate the fact that you can find anything about anything on the Internet, and that there are too many people with too much time on their hands. Like me.

I will now go and do something useful.  Before I go, however, there are some riders to this Fryday. They are:

1.     I know very few people named Kim.

2.     The only Kim with whom I have a close acquaintance is one of the loveliest people I have met and of whom I have the greatest admiration and adoration.

3.     None of the other Kims I have mentioned have invited me to any of their parties (in the case of Kim Dotcom he seems to have invited everybody else) and thus allowed Fryday to form a different opinion of them. Until they do…

And finally...Felicity. My hope there is that she has grown to live a full and happy life.  That won’t assuage my guilt, but it will at least allow me to think she has the strength and the depth to smile benignly and knowingly on my apology.
Happy Valentine’s Day Felicity, wherever you are.

Letter From Somalia

Note to readers: Since receiving the following email earlier in the week we have made concerted and repeated attempts to contact Miss Fenwick. Unhappily they have been without success. We will keep trying, but these are worrying times for her supporters.


Dear Frydaygroup Friends

This is my first letter from Somalia. I have been here a week now and have much to tell you.

But first please allow me to again thank you for your kind and collective contribution to our cause. I know that there are some in the scientific community who still insist that my quest for the ancestral breeding grounds of the Devonport Guppy will be in vain. They have been wrong before and I believe they will be wrong again. They lack the vision and indeed the comprehension to know how important to the world a successful conclusion to this quest will be. But you know. You have the vision. And your contribution and faith come at no better time, given the exciting news from Somalia and the fact that my previous benefactor my son-in-law, Mr Jack Arbuckle of Jack Arbuckle’s Pre-Loved Car Emporium, is presently temporarily incarcerated and unable to continue his funding support.

So, what is happening here in Somalia? What adventures I have had! I have not yet been able to confirm those earlier reports that a Devonport Guppy has been seen in Somali waters. But it is early days yet and I remain in hope. In all other respects but one my stay here has been a delight. The one disappointment came with the arrival of our Air Garuda flight at Mogadishu. The pilot seemed in unseemly haste and the aircraft had not yet come to a full stop before we were unceremoniously bundled off and the aircraft took off again. Most disappointing and potentially dangerous, I am sure.

But in all other respects there is no disappointment with this country or my welcome to it. Indeed, I have been made to feel most welcome and am very much in demand. On no fewer than three occasions thus far I have been forcefully removed from the streets and whisked away to a room by heavily armed men who seem to be very reluctant to let me go. It is only after I have completed my five-hour dissertation on the breeding habits of the Devonport Guppy that they seem happy to allow me to leave; only for me to be then whisked away by the next group. Very flattering to an 86 year-old woman to have such attention.

Yesterday I started north from Mogadishu to the northern coastal town of Bosaso, flying Somali Airlines. We are yet to arrive and I believe we must be on a tourist flight because the plane lands every few miles so that we can have a comfort stop and see the sights. There is a lot of sand in Somalia. How refreshingly different this airline is from others I have flown! What other airline allows you to wind down the window for fresh air? What other airline allows you to take pets on board? I have counted several pigs, two goats and countless chickens. They are also a most convivial airline; they serve a strange and strangely delicious alcoholic beverage to passengers and even the cabin crew and pilots join in!  It is all very social. I also feel most secure. Almost everybody on board is heavily armed. So with that warmth, safety  and comfort I think I shall now retire for a short nap—I see the pilots have already nodded off.

I am awake. It is dark. And there is no sound in the plane.  Fortunately my trusty Dell which my son-in-law gave me after it fell off the back of a truck seems undamaged and is still working. But the silence here is worrying. We are on the ground.  I see lights in the distance and they are moving. What or who they are  I cannot tell. My new friend, whom I met on the flight—a lovely woman with her very own Kalashnikov—now tells me that the lights are those of bandits or pirates. How exciting! Imagine—pirates in this day and age! And in Somalia of all places! She says that we must remain silent for if we are captured we are destined to a life of decadence and debauchery. She does not of course know of my three years as nanny in the household of Mr Keith Richards and Miss Pallenberg and their lovely little boy Marlon. But I shall remain silent and post this e-mail now in case it is to be my last.

Bless you.
Yours truly,

Phyllis J. Fenwick (Miss).

Internet support kindly provided by Jack Arbuckle’s Pre-Loved Car Emporium (temporarily in hiatus).