Walmington-on-Sea Gazette

From Dad's Army Programme

It’s War! Great Britain and France at War With Nazi Hun  I Defy Mr Hitler: Church Fete Will Go On—Vicar  Jones The Butcher War Special: Pork 2p a pound.

Great Britain is at war with Germany. Prime Minister Mr Chamberlain has declared war on Germany following that nation’s invasion of Poland. It is expected that the nations of the Empire shall follow suit.
In Walmington-on-Sea, Mayor Bertram Fosdick declared the town ready to stand shoulder-to-shoulder with King and Commonwealth in defence of the country.
“We shall not be found wanting,” he declared. “This is a time for all good men to stand steadfast in face of the enemy.
“I intend phoning Mr Hitler and telling him he will get a bloody nose if he shows his face in Walmington-on-Sea,” said Mr Fosdick.
Meanwhile our Vicar, Reverend Timothy Farthing, says he won’t be deterred by the announcement of war. “I think this Mr Hitler person is a very rough fellow and I will not be bullied by him,” promises the brave Vicar. “The church fete will go on this Saturday as planned. And once again Mrs Fox’s giant melons will be a sight to behold. I can’t wait to get my hands on them.”
In other reaction, Walmington-on-Sea bank manager Mr George Mainwaring says he will be raising a Walmington-on-Sea Home Guard platoon. He is calling on all men to rally around the flag. “We have good British stock in our town,” says Mr Mainwaring and the sight of them standing shoulder to shoulder exposing their weapons will not be one this Hitler chap will want to see in a hurry.

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Lady Hamilton

Let’s set the record straight.
Hamilton is vivacious, classy, cultured and aesthetically perfect.
Compared to Mongolia.
Just.
Did you know that Hamilton has a Facebook page? Yes, it has. You can find it here: http://www.facebook.com/HamiltonNewZealand.
There is a curious paradox here: whilst Hamilton is hardly worth a visit (why contend with the escaping traffic?) its Facebook page certainly is. How else would you know that “If your (sic) looking for affordable & professional beauty therapy in Hamilton goto The Wax Pot Beauty & Spa on 18 Claudelands Rd! Best Brazilians & Spray Tanning in Hamilton!” or “Hamilton is New Zealand's largest inland city, situated on the banks of the Waikato River, (the country's longest river).” Wow!
But some people do love Hamilton. One such appears on Hamilton’s Facebook home page (go there if you don’t believe me). Lisa Alica says of Hamilton, “I LOVE Hamilton !!! X O X O X.” Then again Lisa on her own Facebook (http://www.facebook.com/SoftLisa) also expresses an interest in Aliens, UFOs, extraterrestrials and, interestingly, something called CloneMike. And as well as the Hamilton page she also subscribes to the following: Semir Sam Osmanagich (discoverer of the Bosnian pyramids) , David L. Powell III , Alif 1 EBOO S.A.F.E. , Medical Ozone Therapy , 1,000,000 Strong Against Offshore Drilling , Recuirculatory Haemoperfusion RHP , Dr. Duke's Wild Ride , Bonaparte Lake Resort , Erich von Däniken's Official Fan Page , I Know What I Saw , NorthWest Music Scene , AmKon Dot Net , Stone Circle Video LLC and Jesus Daily . And this is Lisa. I rest my case.
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If butter wouldn't melt

 
"Princess" Laila.

Shane Jones and the second coming

I am tempted to comment on Shane Jones but unlike Mr Jones and before him Mr Wilde I can resist temptation. So let’s look to other, lesser, matters such as the Rugby World Cup. Are you over it yet? I am. The hysterical and statistical hype that surrounds this event puts it in the league of the second coming and I guess for many die-hard rugby fans it is, though for them league is an anathema with which they refuse to be associated. Having said that they all reside in the South Island so we can equally easily disassociate with them. For the rest of us, in the north, who have actual lives, the rugby would cup (and I commit here the capital crime of refusing to attribute capitals) is a parasitic boor garnering more attention than it deserves or will eventually realise. But it has curious paradoxes. For example, the Japanese team was training here in Rodney last week. Curiously, it had few Japanese. Clearly, they have a quota of “whities”. I am also reliably informed that they will when they return next year bring the sixth largest contingent of fans of any team in the competition—some 4500 fans. Strange. The teams above them must be bringing a massive number of fans if the Prime Minister’s prediction of 85,000 fans “at a minimum” is to be reached. Still, if Mr Key is correct in his prediction we can all expect to benefit economically and none will anticipate that more keenly, I feel, than the owners of hotel porn channels who must now be wondering where their future lies now that Mr Jones has his card taken from him.

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Condom in Court

A sexual abuse trial was aborted after a juror revealed he became aroused while listening to evidence from the alleged victims.
NZ Herald: 3 June 2010.

This is the case of sexual abuse of two young females, heard in Auckland. The elderly juror confided to another juror that he was being aroused but was “controlling it” by wearing a condom in court. I sincerely hope he was wearing something else as well.
Lawyers say the episode was unusual but not unknown and this was yet another reason to have sexual abuse cases heard by judges only. Well, I am incredibly relieved to learn that judges cannot get sexually aroused. I am not sure why I am relieved but it is oddly comforting that our judiciary is not prone to precipitate or even sluggish ejaculation. Clearly, they have it in hand. Or not.

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