Laid...back again

Last week we looked at the 17 jobs that made us attractive to the opposite sex. This stemmed from the popular perception that actors and other show people can attract and bed salivating fans of the opposite and same sex at will and with gay abandon. They can’t. For example tonight I will perform (on stage) before 130 people. I doubt that any will exhibit the slightest inclination to have sex with me. And any that do will probably be attracted by my closet of tight yellow trousers, pink see-through shirt and mauve chiffon scarves, which will make them of only little interest to me. Nevertheless acting still rates “up there” as an attractor. So, let’s go down. What are the least successful jobs as sex-magnets? These were harder to find. Impossible, in fact, for me to find. There is none on the Internet. So, I made up my own. In doing so, I place myself at great risk of offending everybody in these categories. But the way I look at it, and the point of this exercise is, if nobody else finds you attractive why should I? My 17 jobs least likely to get you laid are:

1. Bus drivers: have a long one but too quick to pull out and difficult to make a pass at.
2. Car salesmen: those gold chains are so abrasive.
3. Council workers: cynical view of the world and can never be quite convinced you would be remotely interested in them.
4. Gynecologist: just how many can he handle?
5. Hamiltonians: cows have to rest some time.
6. High court judges: no longer able to sit around in robes and wigs so have lost interest.
7. Masochists: attractive only to sadists—sex-deprivation is part of the game.
8. Politicians: despised by all and sundry, only a sadist would apply (see masochist above).
9. Radio jocks: honey voices but still hankering after those far off pirate days of being out on a boat with 20 other men.
10. Real Estate salesperson: we all know they over-sell.
11. Rodney Hide: suffers from premature ejaculation and the need to put it all together before he can get a big one.
12. Rugby league players: generally hunt in packs and hard to get alone.
13. Sex Therapist: Knows the theory, can’t put it into practice.
14. Solitaire Players: prefer to play with themselves.
15. Suicide bombers: their perverted ideas of what a blowjob entails repulses.
16. Teacher: who wants to lay there while they explain it to you?
17. TV Newsreader: so, I should be interested in YOU why?

Laid Back

If you have ever wondered about your acting ability, and you probably haven’t, try playing a gay guy. I am doing that at the moment. I thought it would be a measure of the credibility of my performance, and therefore my acting, to see whether I am attractive to men in that role or even indeed I am propositioned. I wasn’t. Moreover, I wasn’t propositioned by women either! That’s unusual for an actor.
Or is it? Common belief is that an actor, by virtue of their profession alone, is attractive to a person of the opposite sex—and to the same sex for that matter. We all believe that, don’t we? Well, in my boredom and with no real prospect of being propositioned in the near future, I decided to research that. My simple question? Will being an actor get me laid? Failing that, should I try something else? The answer is…try something else. It seems, according to one credible research foundation that published their research on the Internet, acting is not among the top 17 professions guaranteed to get you laid. Nor is road-building Barry. Instead the top 17 in order are:

1. Architect: Build me something as good-looking as you.
2. Glassblower: Really any job with blow in the title will do.
3. Firefighter: Drool over their calendars with us.
4. Doctor: Everyone wants some sexual healing ... especially if you’re a freelance blogger without health insurance.
5. Celebrity: Pick a groupie, any groupie.
6. Librarian: But you only stack up if you’re hot.
7. High-Ranking Soldier: Lookin’ so fine in that tight, fancy uniform.
8. Porn Star: Your job is to get laid.
9. Model (Preferably Underwear Or Bikini): You’re a professional hottie who can make us buy whatever you’re selling.
10. Hotel Concierge: You’ve got the keys to everybody’s room/heart.
11. Photographer: You can compliment and direct your subject til they take off their all clothes. Yes, yes, make love to the camera!
12. Bartender: You’re surrounded by drunk singles looking to mingle.
13. Musician/DJ: You can play peeps like you do tunes.
14. Personal Trainer: Let’s get physical.
15. Delivery Boy: Or girl, they come to you. This sadly does not apply to stanky messengers who run around all day.
16. Pilot/Flight Attendant: That jaunty cap, the mile-high club, man, there are just so many reasons we want to fly the extra-friendly skies.
17. Furniture Craftsman: They’ll give you more than one thing to sit on.

A good actor may be a celebrity (5) but that is as close as we come. Or don’t. So it appears that I fail both as an actor and as a lover. What is even more dispiriting in my quest to get laid is that “writer” doesn’t appear on the list either, which makes writing Fryday each Friday something of a pointless exercise, doesn’t it? But I won’t stop—in my next Fryday I’ll reveal the top 17 jobs guaranteed not to get you laid. I have an awful feeling council worker may be among them. Are you ready for that Barry?

A Word for the Wise

Many years ago I had the good fortune to meet Ernie Wise, the then erstwhile partner of the vastly funnier Eric Morecombe. Mr. Wise was out here to help launch the New Zealand chapter of Variety Club. I recall him as pleasant, and courteous but distant. Distracted. Like other celebrities here for the Variety launch he had been shouted a trip and a holiday in New Zealand. And I think that was why he was here. He certainly showed little enthusiasm for the event and none at all for performing. I was drawn to the conclusion then, and am certain of it now, that he was a shadow of the performer he was as straight man for Eric, while Eric’s much larger shadow continued to knock Ernie’s confidence and self-esteem. And performers are those most insecure of individuals. Eric’s gone. Ernie’s gone. But, we were talking about them last night midway through our opening-night performance when, as inevitably happens in dressing rooms, talk turns to performances, and performers. Younger members of our cast had little idea of whom Morecombe & Wise were. The oldest performer they recall is Ricky Gervais, and comedy begins and ends with Flight of the Conchords. You have to think that these young and theatrically-literate people are missing out, if that is the sum total. Conchords may someday become legends and Gervais is probably almost there but Morecombe & Wise in their hey-day and together will in history remain unassailable, for all who are “wise” in such matters anyway.

Hooked on it.

It is hard to feel passion for hookers. These days anyway. In my view they themselves are less passionate than they were when I first started. They are less committed to their craft, and certainly offer none of the stimulation and challenge that were so part of the enjoyment of playing with them. And I should know: I played with many, used and abused them. Some were good at what they did, others were not. But all, without exception when I was with them, were glad they were there and happy to play with me. In the eyes of some I was the best and it was a privilege to face me, grip me and try to pull me off. And that extended over many years, until I tired of it and settled for a more sedate existence. But I still watch them at work when I can and what I see today is vastly different from what I experienced then. Today's hookers don’t really care. They exhibit no finesse, no skill and, most different of all from my days, no willingness to go down, lie there and be abused incessantly. That is why perhaps, when one analyses “the game” today, anybody can be a hooker. In my days, it was definite skill. And I am still proud, even now, that I was one. Fond memories are all I have now. That and abject despair that those who followed me no longer experience that or the respect that ensued from taking...it all. Watch any NRL game this weekend and you will see what I mean. Being a rugby league hooker is no longer a proud profession. A hooker in that code, today, is sport’s equivalent of erectile dysfunction. So, if you are a masochist by all means watch hookers at play. But, as for me, I’ll be concentrating on hookers of the other variety this weekend. I have three of them at the moment. Together. And they are vastly more skilled, forthcoming, committed and...entertaining. Much more pleasurable in fact. But that is another story, for another time.