I Need Councilloring (sic)

As George W. Bush said of me, “He’s a good man, a good guy. But as God is my witness, my life, my passion, my raison de etching, I can’t understand him getting into politics; only a moron becomes a politician.” A moron I may be, but I am indeed getting into politics. This week I put my name forward to stand in Rodney’s Hibiscus Coast Ward as councillor. The election is October 13 and the announcement of my candidacy was made by the local newspaper last Tuesday. As a consequence, today is in all likelihood my last day as the Council’s communications manager. I shall be stepping down from that position and going on leave until the election and electorate decide my fate and future. I do so with the full support and love of Maggie, for which I am grateful and without which I would not have attempted this. You on the other hand may not think that standing for councillor is such a big thing, and usually it may not be. But in my case it involves a major life-change. If I am successful I am bound for community service for three years with a massive drop in income; if I am unsuccessful I will almost certainly have not only burnt bridges I will have disintegrated them with an explosion that would put that of George W. Bush’s brain before Iraq into flaccid impotency. Certain people, if they get into power, will likely make my job untenable. I may even have to move to Hamilton to escape. Either way, I intend to return to writing, something I have reluctantly neglected for so long. The present mayor of Rodney, John Law, may think he is the inspiration for this. He is not. He is wrong. For once. The inspiration for my move into politics is indeed the fore-mentioned George W. Bush. I have followed his political path with interest and I am persuaded that his politics are my politics. I, too, believe I am ordained for this role by a higher being—in my case, Ivan Cleary. I also believe I have the fervour, the passion and spirit within me—notably copies quantities of Laphroig Single Malt. Moreover I have a vision of world dominance: it is my intent upon attaining office to invade Waitakere seeking weapons of mass destruction, namely Bob Harvey, and follow that with an unleashing of the dogs of war against political corruption, namely Helen Clark’s wardrobe. I will stand on a platform of positivity. So, I am out of here; gone by lunch time possibly. But Fryday will continue and I look forward to coming back next week—a free man. Enjoy your weekend.

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